Wow, this month has been a whirlwind of emotions for me.

I was anxious while waiting for my thesis result.
I was thankful, grateful and happy when I finally got my result.
I was happy when my mom was here.
Then I was sad when she had to leave.
Then I was happy again when my friends arrived. It lasted for 2 weeks.
I also felt sick when they were here but not in a tacky way, I was literally sick. All of us were actually. Two weeks of being together definitely gets you riled up and your immune system haywire.
After two weeks I was sad that they had to go.
Then I was glad that I finally was able to rest in bed and sleep the sickness away. The next day I was recovered and went for Boxing Day.
Sad I didn't shop - only for the essentials.
Tired, resentful and all that jazz that I had to pack my apartment.
Worried about excess baggage but so happy to find out that my limit is actually 30kgs!!!!

And now I'm sitting here with the remains of this apartment, ready for tomorrow, for when the cleaners arrive to attack the marks I've imprinted on the walls, the carpet and the tiles. I'm actually kind of pissed that I have to pay $195 for something that I can do myself but I guess it sure does spare me the tiresome scrubbing and wiping and all that I love. I'm sorry, I'm just THAT obsessive compulsive.

Goodness me, this month is the driest month for me - financial wise. Didn't shop much really, just paid for food and transportation. Explains so much about the belly fat I now have resting on my thighs hahahaha! But you know, all these experiences from this month is well worth the time. I had so much fun this month, actually more than I ever did during this year put together. I know that sounds so sad but what am I to say? This has been the most serious of all years I had to endeavor and I'm not complaining - just looking back at all those times slaving over something which initially I hated to the core of the earth is something that's going to help me build a living for myself. Alhamdulillah. It feels so good to finally be able to wind down and just chill. Not the type to rest and not do anything but you know, not doing work related to anything that's to be written on a piece of paper is good for once. Gosh, come to think of it I don't think I'm ever gonna get used to not studying but I have to get myself ready. I'm ageing man! I need to do what ageing people do! How DO you spell ageing? Aging? Ohhh...

But how do I even start to talk about this month without contemplating too much on the things that create lee-ways? I don't think there ever will be any time when I can finally do that properly because this month has been very eventful for me, and especially social-wise. I guess it pays to be a hermit for a year coz now I'm moving on over-drive! Well, not really. But you know.

Then again there's that feeling of hurt that still can't totally be mended just by myself. I can't say I didn't try. I thought it was going to be different this time around and that things are going to be as they were but who am I kidding right?

I hate that I read into things too deeply sometimes but that's the make of me. I am made to read into things to be able to know what the other person is feeling. This case though, the other person isn't feeling anything at all, just to be at present and not be involved. The worst kind of hurt a person can go through.

Hmm, turns out this month is more than eventful for me. I guess the last bit of feelings I'm going through is good to prepare me for the next phase in my life =) bring it!

I believe I've written about this before.

But just to create a segue on this topic, I do believe in the greater good of things be it for the universe in general, in friendship, in trust, in health, in prosperity, in fidelity, in marriage, in a household unit, in education, in the future, in everything really.

It's a heck of a journey for us while we are still living in this world, and I do like to think that death can creep up from behind me anytime so I've been living life as if I'm going to die tomorrow. Yes, that's right. The constant worry and guilt I feel just tells so much about the wrongs I've been committing.

I do believe in being kind.
I do believe in being sincere.
I do believe in lending a helping hand to those in need.
I especially do believe in making better of things that aren't already. With that, I do believe in forgiveness, tranquility and peace of mind.

I believe that nothing good will ever come out of things that are insincere, filled with ulterior motives and bad thoughts. Yeap, you got that right. I am in fact surrounded by these things but I'd like to be the one who turn things around all the time and so help me God if I'm not capable of doing these things, let me be the one to turn my back against whatever bad things that are going to happen to me, or being said and done to me, let me be strong enough to handle the words that are being said to me. Ignorance is always bliss but there are always those who'd want to enter my mind and start telling me stories that side on just them. My mom taught me better :) I listen to both sides and I don't ever side on any one. And if things ever get out of hand, I believe in getting closure. Realistically, closure isn't something so easy to achieve because people lie about their intentions and they often want to escape and deny the real reason why they hate you in the first place but for peace of mind I always turn blind eyes unto that. So be it.

Because I believe that respect will get you to places, without it you're locked up in your room sulking bitterly at every drop of happiness you see on other peoples' faces. Ain't that right?

Something recent that I believe in is good health. I have seen so many people killing themselves slowly with the lack of care they have for their bodies and how they've turned out. Heck, I have been that person and I do believe that I've talked about this in the past too. So now I refuse to go back to that and choose a healthier option to live. I know it's cool to binge and smoke but I'm past that now, I'm 25 years old and my body can break down anytime soon, it's time to fuel up and oil my gear and prepare for something heavier that might open up to me in the future, insyAllah. I don't want to be sick all the time when I have kids, in fact I'd like it if they see me healthy so they'd want to be healthy too. At least that's how it is with me and my parents. They like taking care of themselves and it makes good sense that me and my siblings are doing the same thing. So that is good no? Yes, yes.

There are sooo many things that I believe in like cleanliness, tidiness, the arts and performance because these things can help shape the cognitive into an intellectual deal better than money, but you know, if I talk about that more of yous are gonna think I'm cocky :p Yes, I believe that this world is judgemental and when awkward about others' achievements choose to talk bad about it to turn the plate onto them but that's alright. I respect your decisions to think about other people however you choose to but when you measure up your sleeve against those you've bad-mouthed, how have you lived up to the many syllables you've put the negative sign infront of? Hmm? That is something to think about.

And lastly, I believe in being happy in our own ways. Some people choose to be happy by being miserable, some choose to do it the direct way but through the longest and hardest journey but in the end, being happy is the mission and that's one thing that everyone wants to be.

I'm graduating again tonight and to close this I'd like to say that I believe in hard work. Nuff said.

It is indescribable. The best feeling ever.

I have been away, chasing my ambition and doing the things that I like most =)

Not in a million years did I ever think I was going to be where I am now.

All praises to Allah.

With strong will and a strong approach, I am here now doing my family proud.

Who am I?

At the moment all I know is that I am someone at lost within myself, trying to search for open doors and windows, some outreach, an outstretched hand that is ever so willing to bring me into someplace safe where I don't have to think about what the next 5 years is going to look like for me. Truth be told I'm not. Because I know something out there is waiting for me to come to it. Good or bad, I am going to look for that thing. I know Allah has prepared something for me and I know that not knowing what it is is quite frustrating but I trust in whatever's going to happen will do happen for a reason. Like I said, good or bad, doesn't matter.

What matters is what kind of person I'd turn out to be if that thing happens to and for me. I have been readying myself so help me God if I ever breakdown from all the tests you've given me, give me more so I'd learn my lesson and say, "Yes, alhamdulillah. Now I know myself and what I'm capable of."

It has been exactly the kind of thing I've been going through for the past years of being away but I know at the back of my head that it's been a different kind of obstacle. I have just been preparing myself for what is going to happen but I am not ready for anything yet. I'm pretty scared but you know, knowing myself, I'm prone to being panic at the start but once I get the gist of things I'll be alright. I have been independent for thousands of days, millions of hours and more of the seconds so I can do this, I can face whatever's laid out in front of me.

So in comparison to whom I used to be. Well, I have always been like this. Sure, when I was younger I was quite dependent on my parents, but when I was 18 they whisked me away to a faraway land by myself and since then I had to do things myself. Now it feels strange to have things done for me especially by my parents - like dishes and laundry - but I guess that is what independence has taught me. I am more responsible now. I didn't used to be. I made so many mistakes in the past before, some I'm still shameful of, some I'm still craving for but by heck, I am who I am now for the things that happened to me in the past. I have learnt a lot!

Millions of things made me change. Backstabbers - some coming from my own family, losing friends, making new friends, losing those friends, broken friendships, experiences with emotions and strangers whom I didn't have any problem with who then became my enemy who then became one of the nicest of my friends. Hmm, you know, being away taught me that I haven't really learnt anything in terms of dealing with my family because whenever I'm back home I'll only be back home for a fraction of a time. It's time with friends that helped me shape myself into who I am today. Some of them I'm proud of, some I'm not. Some I'm sick of. But everything, everything that happened to me, the good ones I try to improve while the bad ones I try to change.

I like making myself better. Making better of things is my forte. Being a perfectionist helps too I guess. I have seen people who are all talk but no dos and sorry, but I hate sharing enthusiasm over something that I love when the other party doesn't really mean it. That's the worst thing you can ever do to me and well, there are quite a few. I don't hate this people per se, but being honest to my feelings would make me a little bit fonder of you. I have been slashed in my feelings so many times that I find it so hard to trust people right now. I understand that that's bad but I am just so friggin sick of being trampled in my heart. I don't like my feelings being hurt because I don't even need to try being nice to people. It's annoying how whenever I'm nice to people I get treated like a doormat in return. That is the shittiest thing but you know, you gotta do what you gotta do.

Well, suffice to say I don't care who likes me or who doesn't. I'm friends with everyone and that is the person I have become. You can come to me tell me that you don't like a person but I'm still going to be friends with that person. High school is over so I don't see why I should act like a child. 5 years from now I will be 30 years old, I can't wait to reflect on my life when I reach that age. What I know now is that I don't want when I turn 30 to reflect and find that I have not changed into a better person. What with all the talking behind people's backs (and always ALWAYS talking about the same person). Gahhh that's hopeless don't you think?

So yes. Can I compare myself now to whom I used to be? Damn straight I can. Now I know who take pride in doing bad things just to make themselves feel a bit better about themselves, and those who like doing good things for the greater good of course! In the past, I used to just trust every single person I talk to. Everybody used to be my bestfriend but all the jealousy and all the snide remarks aren't acceptable anymore. I have had enough maaayyynnn!!

I don't care how many friends I have now anymore. 10, 5 or 1, doesn't matter to me. What I'm looking for is that handful of people who I can trust and confide my feelings to. I lost a lot of those kind of people. I'm looking for new ones now. Although I don't need to because I have my very best bestfriend and my immediate family.

And lastly, to compare, my mom used to hate talking about marriage in front of me. Now, it's all she talks about haha!! So the big comparison here is that I have grown up =)

What happened today? If it was the last day of your life, how satisfied would you be with your final hours?

Today was simple. Woke up early and felt that the day was surprisingly yet sweetly long. I loved it. Went to the gardens and sat in front of the fountain and played Scrabble with my mom. It was a sweet little moment. It rained and we played under the rain. It wasn't until it poured real bad that we seek shelter on the steps of the gigantic Exhibition Center and continued playing there. At about 7pm we headed to the city for dinner with my mister :) Dessert was at Secret Recipe where me and my mom took silly pictures together and laughed til tears rolled from the corners of our eyes and our throats sore from all the laughing!

I had a very very lush cake!!!!!!! Well, we all did. It was the best cake I've tasted since a long time.

If this was to be the last day of my life I'd be very satisfied at how I spent it. It was terrific! I don't know how else to describe it but it was so satisfying and I'm grateful to be in the company of the nicest, sweetest and most understanding of people. You know what I like? I like that. People who listen, who understand, who stop to listen and then to understand. I like that. I fancy a little shake of the head whenever someone doesn't approve of how I choose to live my life because all I get from the many people I converse with is them going with how I flow with things. I have learnt that the only people to believe and trust in is those who don't always sit behind their computers, or stay cooped up indoors watching TV. I learnt to trust those who like going outside and bask themselves in the might of this universe! You know what I mean? You learn so many things from books, songs, films and such but you learn more from your experiences as a human being, dealing with human things.

But of course, with that being said, doesn't mean that the mistakes you make in the past would change you. I don't see why I should trust the person who say they care about me, miss me, and love me when I know in the past they've said the darnest things about me. But me being me, I can't handle the thought of being enemies with people for too long a time. There's always that little devil who'd try to manipulate its way into my mind, nagging me with stuff from the past that'd make me hate a person big time. But I guess there is no darn use for that because I am past that. I'm through with that, and if you have a problem with me being nonchalant well there's nothing I can do about that can I? Would be pretty pleased if you look for someone else to share your hate about something or someone with. Not anymore with me because it has gone stale.

I can't wait to be 30. But if I don't live to be 30, I'd be pleased with myself for being who I am today. I have learnt to be happy even when I'm by myself and that's the best feeling in the world. I don't need to be bitter seeing other people enjoying themselves and living their lives to the fullest because I surely can do the same :) I don't need to pretend to be nice to a person and then say things behind their backs. That is old news and that was the drive to be accepted. Not anymore. I am mature enough to handle all that and push them to the back of my mind. I'm alright and I'll pass on to other things if you so happen do try to get me right back into your realm of wanting to say things that are bad just so you'd feel satisfied about yourself. Goodness, to start with I didn't use to be that kind of person until I was whispered to.

Why delve into that? But for serious, so many pretenders out there. So many fakes. So so soo many.

On another note, I'm so happy that today I get to live with a portion of me that I have been missing for such a loooong time. I love my mom so very much!

You know what, why don't you have that piece of cake and slobber on the icing too? You will understand how sweet life is when you do ;)

For today and for always!

I love funny things - depressing things don't do nothing but boil my blood!

Today, let us all raise our glasses to all the funny things that have happened to us, that will happen to us and the funny things we made happen. Hahahaha seriously. LAUGH.

LOCO!!

Am not and never doing it for the attention. They come to me, what can I do?

On the other hand, if I have helped you with something, a little bit of gratitude would make me feel less of a loser who's sitting here begging to be said thanks to.

You get what you want from getting something from me. What's the deal with that?

I don't care if they love you, but seems like you're doing it for the attention.

Strange how this world works. Gladly it teaches me a lot about so many people out there.

Ulterior Motives. Word of the century.

and how comfortable it is to just sit here in the dark, fully dressed and ready to pick up my robe.

It is raining cats and dogs. Can't simply just up and go? Ugh... I'm only happy when it rains in Brunei, I don't have to walk or take public transport to get to places. I don't like getting soaked and simply hate it more coz my mascara isn't waterproof! Well, that's not the complaining point though, what it is is that I woke up early today so the day'd end longer but it's raining and now I can't go out. Of course I can but my umbrella's flimsy and even if I'm to take the tram, I'm still gonna get wet waiting for it.

Should I say sod it and practice a come what may situation today like all the other days then?

I don't have a slight idea what I'm talking about.

But I did have a really good birthday :) I'm still celebrating actually.

I passed my Honours!! I passed my Honours!! Upper Second Class, baby! 2.1! H2A! What else do people call it?

Me and my dad were rooting for First Class Honours (so I can do my PHD straight away) but I guess my path isn't that so Alhamdulillah, thanks be to Allah for granting me this wish to have a degree in my grasp. Now I can do my Masters :)

But first, career. I need it.

All my thanks to my parents, my siblings, my cousins, the rest of my family and my closest friends. If not for you guys I would've already thought a degree was blah and quit a looong time ago. Alhamdulillah, I passed. Syukur.

Ohhhh so many many thanks for this ya Allah... Alhamdulillah :)

• Death is inevitable..

Al-Fatihah to those whom have left us to be with God. A dear friend's dad has just passed away a few hours ago and my heart goes to him and his family. My condolences, also goes to my cousin's ex-classmate and my friend's uncle, Jefri Salas.

People, I hope this makes us realise that this life should be lived as if we're going to be dead any minute now.

Got me boxes today and Imma pack ma ass off lyk you kent emajin! Yerrrrrrraaabooiii!!

(^)

-_-

How's that for street cred? No?

• The pressure of settling down at a certain age.

I'm just that person. Plus, my luck is different and I want different things. Only putting this down when I thought of the three people in my family getting married next year. Four, if I include my cute cousin who just bought a hunk of a car! Hmm... I'm just not thinking about it right now because I'm having too much fun being together and not having that marriage commitment like family stuff. We're two single people who are exclusive just to each other. How's that sound?

Yikes! You know come to think of it ALL these four people are younger than me. Well, I'll be damned! Hahahahaha I'm kidding. I love life :) When I do get hitched people will know as soon as possible. I'll send telegrams to the President!

Not in order of importance:

• Giving up on wanting to have a good life
• Giving up on religion or whatever you believe in
  
• Giving up on just about anything!
• Me being able to handle not washing my hands every 5 minutes
• Leaving the hand-vacuum uncharged, that's just crazy, what if you have crummies?
• Not recycling
• Running away hand-in-hand. What if I'm slower than you are? I don't want to be dragged!
• Me not cleaning the dishes for half a day
• Me not making the bed before I go out or start my day
• Not having rolls of napkins handy for kitchen use AND TOILET PAPER!
• Not dusting
• Not keeping everything in place and in an orderly fashion before going to sleep
• Not saying Bismillah 21 times before going to sleep
• Not taking pictures of whatever I think is important to take pictures of, although they might not end up uploaded online
• Saying No to Milo or Green Tea or Tea in general or COFFEE!
• Not watching FRIENDS while eating
• Girls not caring about knowing how to cook
• Girls not liking to do housework
• Girls who don't care about their health
• Girls who don't like massages
• Lazy people
• People who think that art is just a waste of time
• Extremely religious people who still listen to music, watch movies, gossip, but frown on girls who like dressing up
• Preachers who don't practice
• People talking bad about other religions
• People who discourage us from being friends with people from a different religion
• Being enemies with someone for far too long!
• Not being jealous over other people's achievement, beauty, wealth, tolerance, etc
• I don't believe in being rude to people
• Anger issues

Hmm I can't think of anymore. I should have more, right? I thought it'd be easier to talk about cons rather than pros for a change. I was wrong. Oh well.

I think I'm gonna start listing out things that I don't believe in. I'm sure there are more! I couldn't be THIS good of a person to always believe in something? Surely?

What don't YOU believe in?

I have been running out of juice and my sketchbook is filled with pages upon pages of stupid drawings of nothingness.

So today I thought why not get a new one?

I did :)

I am NOT going to let the past six years of my life tear me apart anymore. I lost part of my teenage life and I'm paying back lost time. So what if I'm turning 25 soon? That's alright. All in good time, my love.

I am watching Star Wars V The Empire Strikes Back and now that I'm mature enough to understand what's happening, well the story goes that people ought to be nice to each other and just stop the hurting.

The End.

I watched this film last night. I don't have much to say. And perhaps that's because there weren't much dialogue going on throughout the entire film. It doesn't mean the storyline's no good though because you're bombarded with a lot of emotions to keep you pestered on the screen.

Samson and Delilah is a story about two aboriginal kids living in a poor community who fell in love with each other. Of course with stories such as this there must be a tragic ending but that ending soon changed into a very bright beginning. Samson, as it shows, does not have any parents and is living with a bunch of guys who plays music all day long. Delilah, on the other hand, takes care of her sick grandmother, brings her to the health center, brings her to church, feed her and basically she does everything a good grandchild does. Samson fell in love with Delilah upon seeing her while he was sitting outside of a grocery store and soon became a very creepy stalker who follows her around, throws stones at her and all these while not saying anything to each other. It's pretty complicated to tell how they got together but when Samson started courting Delilah, she didn't respond well to him and only when her grandmother passes away does she give in and they both start going to places together - inseparable.

It's just so tragic when Delilah was kidnapped and raped by "white boys" and it bothers me so much that she doesn't say anything to Samson about what happened to her. Even more tragic is when they were both sniffing petrol while walking in the street, cross the road, Samson walks infront and suddenly BAM! Delilah gets hit by a car. Well, Samson, being the "sniffer" that he is has an impaired hearing so when Delilah was hit he didn't even realise it until he realises that Delilah is not with him when he got home. Days passed and still she's a no-show so that's when I saw emotion from him. He cried and it's just oh so heartbreaking. Imagine this, she's the only one you love, the only one you hold on to because you have nobody else in this world and suddenly she disappears without you knowing. But then she kind of rescued him and took him home.

Well, it's just a really depressing film to watch. Talking about aborigines is something very very sensitive here so when you watch something like this your heart goes out to them and you pray that one day something will happen and their lives would just stopped being oppressed. I don't know but I give it 7 out of 10. It's very very good and if you're a high-brow film buff you'll know how good it is. Oh for these actors to portray the lives of their people is totally admirable. You do not see a lot of these films here although you would imagine they'd be a lot. That says a lot about the history of these people doesn't it? It's heartbreaking.

And I'm gushing smiles from my soul, or so at least I think so LOL!

So I was just reading my friend's blog out of the blue, because he NEVER updates, and suddenly today out of boredom I went on and whaddya know, something to read and trust me, I like what I read :)

I love reading inspiring blogs, blogs that emit positivity and that radical desire to be successful - always talking about facing challenges and NOT wallowing on failure and all that jazz. I LOVE THOSE TYPE! Why? Because I am NOT the type of person who would sit and just listen to you wallow in self pity because you think that what you have achieved in life is not enough. Honey, nothing is ever enough in this world. That is why God gives us brains to think, hands to do stuff with, legs to walk to places, and our senses to feel. God has never ever told us to give on anything and if anything, Islam has always told its believers to not stop believing and surely that is enough to tell us that we're capable of whatever our hearts desire, yes? Yes. We taught to ponder, reflect, change the wrongs, keep the rights and think of many other things that are possible to do in this world. Surely if we always get what we want in terms of materialistic things, then everything else comes as easily? Have you ever thought of it that way?

Another thing that I love is when someone realises that when they want something, they'll work hard to get it. Nothing elates me more than people who are excited to make things happen for themselves. Those who do not succumb to pressure of those who do nothing BUT try to stop them from being successful. Ugh, come to think of it there are so many people in my life who always want to see me crumble and cry and fall down and bleed but heck, my mom taught me not to listen and just prove them wrong. I know a friend do not like to prove anything to anyone and to just do whatever he feels like doing without pleasing anyone but himself, BUT I was raised in a different way. People around me, especially those close enough to comment on how ugly I look with that large zit on my face, sometimes they need to be slapped for always humiliating me in front of everyone but you know I don't need to physically do that. I slap them with proving to them that I am not the loser they think I am. I'm not. You know that too but sometimes you're just too engrossed in envy that you'll be like, "Yeah, Nis. You've put on weight. You're so fat!" Like OMG stop it already! Who are you to tell me that I am nobody and that I should feel bad about myself? I am here now am I not? But where are you? Ahh, karma. Kicks your ass like accidentally biting your own tongue. It hurts.

On the other hand though, what I don't like is those people who are all talk and no action. You know those people who have so many things in their wishlist, they want this and that, want to do this and that but only doing those things to be updated with the change in time. Like when I first got my DSLR I was mocked, "Eh basar jua camera mu atu. Kan jadi reporter ko kah? HA HA HA" but then when it was the HYPE all those people who mocked me ALL had DSLRs and they only wanted those things because everyone else was getting into the photography hype and once the hype died down, where are your cameras, fellas? Chicken shit has a certain amount of time of being hot, so yeah once it cools down you're out there doing something else. Come on, please. Be true to yourself. I hate getting linked to all ye who never finish what you all started. I hate being compared to all you who never seem to give a rest to that bitterness you feel in your heart just because you want something that you can't have. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Like, OH MY GOD PLEASE!

But you know, all those people who got skills, I hear you. I may not be as good as you are but you all know which type of people I'm talking about. I know, so what if they want to have what they want as long as they have the money because that money isn't even ours but you know what I hate the most? Hearing these said to me, "Nisa, sama ah kesukaan kamu ani, siapa yang mulakan dulu?" HAHAHA siapa yang mulakan dulu. You make me cry! I don't give a tiny rats ass who start what first as long as when I do something I do it for my own cause is enough to make me happy. Kan? Isn't that correct? When you're out there doing your own shit happily, there must be somebody else who'd want to ruin it for you. Makes you want to go all Mr T at them and spit at the fools who aren't cool enough to support you OR accept you for who you are.

And please, don't even get me started on those people whom, upon seeing your achievements, still try to tell you to do something that you aren't passionate about. And then they hold a grudge against you for not wanting to do what they want you to do. Mister, it was painful enough to see your daughter depressed when you promised her something so that she'd do what you ask her to but when she did it you suddenly become scared at how awesome she is so you keep her stranded under your scrutiny. I know you're angry at me for not becoming whom you suggested me to become but heck, I was 18 when you told me to be that thing you wanted me to be and I didn't want to be that. Even now. And I'm turning 25 in less than a month and it still bothers me to think that you will be forever angry at me because I don't want to be that person. Yeah, ok it is true that I will earn 2800 for a start but IT IS NOT ABOUT THE MONEY. What I even want to do in the long term in my life would not even involve money. Does that make me a sad person? Yes. But will I be a more compassionate person than you are? Also yes. Please, do not stop me from doing what I want! Or I'll hate you. I don't want to hate you with passion. No.

There's a story behind every person. There's a reason why they're the way they are. They aren't just like that because they want to. Something in the past created them, and sometimes it's impossible to fix them.

OK maybe that's you. Fair enough, I'm going to cut you some slack. But doesn't mean you need to keep being who you are. You definitely can change to be somebody who's a little bit more desirable? Stop being so mean to me. I know what I want in life and if that bothers you so much then I'm sorry.

So kids, moral of the story is that when you set your heart on something, try your best to achieve them. It ain't easy to achieve things immediately, I know that, I have gone through that too but what I've learnt is that if you're a quitter, you will forever be a quitter and be devoid of compassion for those people who are more successful than you. In the end, you'll feel superior amongst those people who you see are less than adequate to you. And that is just TOO sad.

What are we going to do from today on? Set our hearts on something, lead our paths to cross with that thing, work hard for it and be thankful. Stop it already with the dragging other people into your life's misery because it is getting OOOLLLDDD.

I have just watched ANTM Cycle 15 Episode 11 and Tyra Banks debuted her Motion Editorial in this episode.

Need I say more?

That is some damn good production. Tyra is one of those people, whom, when they put their hands on something, will always succeed and win. All my admiration for her. Especially with this video.

One day :)

Great start to the week! Why? Because: tumpi kneading, curry stewing, green tea while making them and bubur kacang ready for dessert and so are durians (although frozen and bought in a container at the Asian grocer). How can that not make your Monday a particularly splendid one?

The weather today is especially warm. It was very very warm at 2am this morning. Ode to fans though coz otherwise I wont be able to sleep. OOOhhh I'm just so happy :) Also, I am anxiously anticipating my thesis result so I'm doing all I can to keep my mind off of it so I wont be so nervous about it! InsyAllah everything's going to be OK. I hope the target that I set on myself at the beginning of this year will come true. If it does I'll be the happiest person alive! But if it doesn't I wont mind much of it because deep down I know that I have tried so damn hard to make things fall right into their places. It's all good :)

So that's my two cents for the day. Just thought I'd write something so then when I come back to this post I'll remember how awesome the start of the week was for me. Toodles!

I had the best breakfast of all time today! Coffee, bread, and lamb :) I know that's as unhealthy as can be what can you do hey? Don't want to let that go to waste now you hear so you eat it while you can LOL! Yeah seriously, second time making lamb and I'm liking it. I am, of course, having bowel problems this morning because my tracts cannot fathom red meat as much as my brain can't fathom stupidity but I don't care. Why? Because Carpe Diem. I'm seizing the day and lookie here, I'm happy during this rainy day!

So anyway while having breakfast I also had the most indulgent viewing of motion picture. Dead Poets Society. That was what I watched earlier today. I'm watching Labyrinth now but we all know what it's all about and there is another make of it so I don't think I need to talk about it. I'll just flood Tumblr with pictures of the Goblin King while I go along haha. Damn, I seem to be flooding my own Tumblr with reblogs now and it's so addictive. See what I like, reblog. Read what resonates closely to myself, reblog. Learned about something, reblog. Reblog reblog reblog! I love how impersonal it is yet it's filled with the same sort of thing, only presented differently. Oh well.

They're not that different from you, are they? Same haircuts. Full of hormones, just like you. Invincible, just like you feel. The world is their oyster. They believe they're destined for great things, just like many of you, their eyes are full of hope, just like you. Did they wait until it was too late to make from their lives even one iota of what they were capable? Because, you see gentlemen, these boys are now fertilizing daffodils. But if you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it? - - Carpe - - hear it? - - Carpe, carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary.

Who doesn't like watching inspiring movies such as this? My friend, I'm telling you, it takes little to inspire us to want to be someone or do something in this world, but this film, well, you learn about your life from it only you're seeing it through the glass of the television set and you're heartbroken when you realise one of the reasons why some things are out of your grasp is because of those people who constantly pull you down just to feed their own egos. Urgh. Disgusting. Story of my life, okay. Takes a lot of guts for me to even be here right now. I have people around me who tell me I should be who I am not but in your face! Nah, I'm not gonna go there anymore. I'm past it already. Well, I am graduating for the third time in December. How many times have you done it? So please stop trying to control me. At least what I do is study. Although at this point of life that's all I'm ever good at but I suppose the universe is preparing me for something tougher. I know, the hardship of reality and the harshness of life but if it isn't for these consequences then I wouldn't learn anything about living. Anyway, enough of that. It's a nightmare for readers to come across it over and over again.

We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, "O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless... of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?" Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play *goes on* and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?

So beautiful. I have come across those people who smirk at me for being or talking so passionately about the things that I love doing. You can call me a nerd for being this way, a geek, a humiliation to all things cool but at least I have something I'm good at. I don't even take that much of a pride for what I do because of the people who thinks I'm smug but I am already made this way. Maybe because I'm always doing things by myself when I was younger. I didn't really have that many friends, not until I found people to share my passion with but anyway, those friends in school are different. In schools really. I hated having to transfer to all those schools once upon a time but alas, here I am today, I think interacting with all those different people along the way helped me realise that life is nothing and if all else fails all you have is your craft. I have embraced that passionately and I'm glad. It has now begun to make me think that I can do anything when I put my heart to it, I just hope that when and if I do that I wont lose who I am.

Oh well, haters are always going to hate. They make you bad. Make you ugly. Make you useless. But stay true to yourself and others will see you for who you are.

What am I on about here? Life. Lost. Passion. Poetry. Romanticism. Reading between the lines. Hmm, life is so damn good!

Hi,

Back again from Big W and had one of those many conversations shared between me and my boyfriend. You see, we think alike and our conversations are always those along the lines of "hope" and wanting to make things better because face it, we're no queen and king of the world but there are a lot of things that we want to do, places we want to be at and things we want to have in this world. Him and me, we're no different to each other. We were raised the same way and we face the same pressure growing up. If I don't say so myself we are facing the same kind of situation in perhaps the same kind of scenarios but the thing about us is that we relate to each other, hurdles and all that.

And we share a lot of conversations together. So tonight on our way back we talked about when he performed umrah and boy, do I long to go there. He said when you're there you realise what the purpose of this life is. You'll realise that what you want is all there, your devotion to Allah, to kneel before Him and you'll finally realise that all this while when you pray and sit there facing the Kaabah, it is there in front of you. You don't need to wonder how it feels like to pray in front of it for real because now you see it clearly in front of your eyes. MasyAllah. I want to witness all that and I want to be there. I have heard before that the black cloth used on the Kaabah is not the kind of black that you've seen before. And he agrees as well, it is not the kind of black that we see everyday. It is a different kind of black. It is beautiful. And the gold thread used on it. How can a small human being even begin to explain its beauty? All praises to Allah. I want to be there. I want to see it for real.

InsyAllah, when I have started working, have enough money, I will go there. It is one of the things that I want to do before I die. And face it, it's one of the things that are wajib for us to do before we die as it is one of the five pillars of Islam. Islam. I was lost from you, I kind of forgot about you and forgot what you want and don't want me to do. Allah has shown me His hidayah now and I'm slowly re-learning about Islam. I was lost before and right now I'm slowly finding my way into the right path. Part of finding the path is to numerously reflect on the things that I've gone through before. I'm sorry when during this reflective process I offend anyone because it is not my intention. What I'm trying to do is to better myself and not anyone else. I don't want anyone to be offended and if anyone has I'm really really sorry. All I'm trying to do is to seek guidance and while doing that of course I think about all the wrong things I did and the things that are done to me. It was pretty stupid what I did back then, always reacting to the things that are said and done to me but right now I'm thinking why. Why did I do all that? My mom taught me better. She always taught me that it is better for somebody else to inflict pain on me and not to give back the pain and I used to not believe in that. I do now because I understand what that kind of hurt felt like.

So to anyone I've hurt their feelings once upon a time, from my words, my sarcasm, the way I react. I'm sorry. All I want to do now is to keep on reflecting on the things that I've done and pray for myself to be forgiven and be released from the pain that those things had given me. I do not want to be tied to the pain I once lived. I have found someone who has lifted me up time and time again and I thank Allah for giving me this person. I think it's great that somebody like him has been given to me because he is exactly who I need. Exactly who I needed.

It's Adha here today and it's going to be Adha there tomorrow in Brunei. I think it's good that I'm thinking about the things that I've done wrong and having the realisation to want to be better. I just need to let it out you know. Writing is all I have left that I'm good at so if what I write in here is less than desirable then so be it. I'm doing this for myself. At least when I die one day, there would be something that could be read by my little ones or my grandchildren. That would be a good thing to have ready for everyone right? Lineage who don't already get the chance to meet me can then learn about me. They'll know that I'm imperfect, that I am just like them. Mere human beings with mistakes and enemies and friends and hobbies and pet peeves that annoy everyone.

Sometimes I have so many things in my head that I have this need to let them out at once. I think this blog is a good outlet for my "voice" so to speak. Well, you gotta do what you gotta do. All those haters are always going to hate but as long as you have love in your heart and in your mind, you'll be alright. I hope I'm not contradicting myself too much but I guess all I want to do is prepare myself for the afterlife and hope that one day I'll be able to go to Mekah. All the things I do along the way, like my hobbies and passion, are just little things that I like doing to fill my time. Afterall, what is this life if not spent doing useful things? Let's not waste it by being angry all the time shall we? Sometimes I don't even know the words I say and things I do anymore. Well, I guess it depends on how people perceive us no? But like I said, it always takes one person to ruin us by their words but why should we let those things define us? Don't let them anger you. Ponder back at why they'd want to do that to you in the first place. Afterall, yang baik datang dari Allah, yang buruk dari no one else but diri sendiri. So perhaps. Just perhaps. I don't need to say more. Of course there are those coincidences that would make you feel like you're being bullied or lied to, I might feel the same, others might feel the same. I hope that with this everyone would realise that everything that causes all those mishaps that happen to us are all misunderstandings. You know there are always three sides to every story: yours, mine and THE TRUTH. We might not always know the truth, although we would feel that we do, but we don't. Afterall, there are other beings around us "who" help make us decide to do, not to do or undo things. One of those people are shaitaan. Well, I admit I do succumb to their whispers, proof is that I don't pray five times a day although I strongly want to. But I am just human and I make mistakes. All it takes is dzikir and istighfar I guess. I just don't want to deliberately be in constant paranoia like I once was. Well, part of doing that is to let a lot of people into my life. Let myself be in constant surveillance by others so that I'd feel less paranoid everyday. My sister always tell me that I am just so thick that sometimes I don't even realise somebody is being mean to me. My boyfriend says the same. Is that because I'm too nice then? Too forgiving? Suffice to say I'm not that trusting anymore and that has made me paranoid but I've learnt to live past that now. I am who I am and I shouldn't be who I'm not. I say sorry all the time and it annoys a lot of people but why can't I just be myself? I think at least by being myself it'd be easier for me to learn about my faith no? So all ye people who tell me things, well.... you know exactly what I'm going to say.

So in this holy day of eid I wish everyone peace, tranquility and cleanliness of the heart. I pray that one day I'll be completely purified from all things murky. Even if that happens when I finally stop breathing, that's OK. At least I'll be satisfied. All I want now is to stop reading too deep into whatever people say to me. We all want peace don't we? Life is too short to be so mean to each other. InsyAllah, one day we will be led to the straight path and who knows, as mean as we are to each other when we were on Earth, it might be that when we die we'll be put together and at least then there is a familiar face. Barakallahufikum for all the things said and done to me in the past, especially the hurtful ones. I now stand taller and stride faster. I have let it go and not once have I repeated anything. Like anyone would say, misunderstanding especially happens when you're constantly murky in the heart. Paranoid. Istighfar is the way. Prayer is the way. I sound like a broken record and I sound overly self-righteous, I don't even do all those things. But I'm trying. This is one of the things that I'm learning to set my ego aside for and just mellow out. InsyAllah.

Happy Eid everyone. Eat lots of lamb :)

Xx

It has been two days since I last watched this movie and I am still hooked on it! OK, I already loved the series. The first movie was OK, made me cry in the cinema and all that. This second one, on the other hand, made me cry, made me scared, made me happy, made me laugh, made me question and made me reaffirm my belief on these beautiful ladies and the glory of being a woman! Well Ok I'm only 24 going on 25, people would say I'm not yet a woman, just a little lady but who cares? It's just a matter of opinion and boo y'all who dare say I still look 19. Well alright I don't look 19 anymore but you know what I mean LOL!

Right. Why do I love SATC2 more than I do the first one? Well first is the fashion and the shoes and the witty conversation that touches upon real life. Smack me for not getting up to date with a lot of newly released films for this year but SATC2 is by far the closest to reality of a movie I can get thus far. Like come on, which other movie this year that I've seen touches upon the reality of married life, children, the past coming back to haunt you and the topic that has always been a big issue - oppressed women in the under-rated religion of Islam? Second, I love it for its setting. Abu Dhabi, people!!! I have always wanted to throng through the terrains of the dessert and experience the luxurious heat with its gems and spices and beautiful colours. Besides India, where else can we feel exotic? Well ok Brazil, fair enough but I'm no fan of it! UAE and India have always been on top of my list so I'm singing an ode to Abu Dhabi and SATC2 and all things sandy and have dates (the fruit) in them! Thirdly and but of course when the setting is in a Muslim country there will always be discussion of halal and haram and the things discussed are always about the women in their veils, the burqa and the niqab. But please do watch this movie and you will LOVE it so much. Why? Because it champions Muslim women!!!

That's about all the detail I'm gonna talk about because you might not have seen it and I hope with this little post you'd want to see it now. For serious, I'm still hooked up on it. Fine fine fine the socialist feminist in me might be factor to this discussion because otherwise why am I so worked up and excited about the positive portrayal of women in a Western film that discusses "the bad religion"? But trust me, you will love watching this. Oh the flowy dress, the full gowns and the accessories *dreamy sigh* Carrie Bradshaw, too. She's one of my favourite women characters and an icon to me too. Hmm what more can I say? I'm in love with it! I hope they sell the first and second film box set online so I can watch them thousands of time again and again.

PLEASEEE if you haven't already. GO. WATCH. SEX. AND. THE. CITY. DEUX!

What did it matter where you lay once you were dead? In a dirty sump or in a marble tower on top of a high hill? You were dead, you were sleeping the big sleep, you were not bothered by things like that. Oil and water were the same as wind and air to you. You just sleep the big sleep, not caring about the nastiness of how you died or where you fell.

Death is inevitable. Would you agree to that? I just finished reading this book minutes ago and I'm still feeling kind of beat up by the twist in the plot. I should have known from the beginning who the real killer was but Raymond Chandler outsmarted me by a thousand splendid suns (pun intended).

And I have always wondered how it would feel like to stop breathing. Stop existing. Will people still wallow the lost of me or move on with their lives as soon as the sun comes down? I guess my dark days having met with death or the passing of somebody was a few years back when the people that I keep dearly to my heart left without saying goodbye. It's sad thinking about it now but I can't blame death on anyone. In fact, if you know anything about life at all, you might be looking forward to being dead. But human beings are selfish, things are always not enough, we always want more than what we're given. More money, more materialistic needs, more affection. It's always not enough. So the incandescence of life is never enough hence there goes the saying, "Life is short. Enjoy it while you can," and with that people enjoy life too much without a care about the things they do and the words they say.

Have you ever cried thinking about death? Does it scare you, the thought of being buried six feet underground? Does the afterlife rattle your bones and make you want to repent? Are you confident that you're ready to answer questions being asked to you at the end of days?

I don't always think of these because if I do then heck, I wouldn't even begin to think about doing the things that I do and commit to. Life is full of sin and whispers from shaitaan. In fact we listen to the bad voices more than we do the good ones because some of us are so scared of judgements. Well, who am I to say because I'm not perfect but the thought of death does really really scare me. I'm not ready for it because I have not done the things that are demanded of me to do in the 5 pillars of Islam. I think maybe if I turn into somebody who can provide answers to prepare for the afterlife then I'll be ready for death but even then I'll be sad and cry for those of whom I will be leaving. Like I said, death is inevitable but who wants to be dead? I often miss those who have passed and I ponder about the times we have together. Sigh. It really is something that's really hard to talk about, let alone think about.

Prepare. Prepare. Prepare.

The Big Sleep has a number of those hidden meanings relating to death and you really need to get into the plot of this book to really understand the kinds of death Chandler is talking about. There is a character who is a General who is no longer in service yet still powerful even in his wheelchair and holding on to dear life. I think I kind of imagined him as the Grim Reaper from the way he was described. Maybe that's one of those related descriptions that links back to the whole narrative of the book. If I can get this right and backed-up I can safely say there are many times when things end up in somebody being dead in the book. It's a really interesting read and it's something that I wouldn't normally pick up from the book stands. I did though and not regretting it even a bit. It's one of those books that make your brain scatter into many pieces when you read it but in the end can't help but feel smug that you're done and actually understood.

Not me though, I don't understand what deficiency one of the daughters has that makes her not remember killing anyone and it makes her faint and wake up so innocent that you'd think she's a kitten who doesn't even remember she just shot somebody five times at close range. But then again books are meant to provoke you like that.

I'm so happy that I'm back to reading narrative book right now. It's what I like doing since I learned talking. Books, music, films, photography and art. These are the things that make me whole. If that makes me a geek then a geek I am and will be forever :)

Right I better stop and go on to the next one now. Toodles!

I woke up in the afternoon, that's about an hour ago, because my body just can't fathom the distance we had to travel back and forth yesterday. We went on a rolling roadtrip to Eaglehawk, Bendigo spent a whole day there. I got sunburnt and right now am as red as a lobster! Kind of destroyed my body yesterday too from the McDonald's I had for breakfast and dinner, but at least the apple pie is nice.

OK no pictures because I took everything analogue so that's gonna take a while to be put up but I think I'm sending the film to Michael's today.

Gosh, after nearly a year of spending time with books that was closely the best thing that happened to me. I needed that kind of break, to go out to the country and just chill under the sun with good company and good laughs. Some of them I've just met too and the way we hit it off makes me real fond of them. Like sitting at the gutter waiting for our friends to do rail tricks and cracking jokes until we topple over with tears. And this might sound silly but the police in Bendigo is just awesome! For serious man, they stopped their car in front of us, asked what's going on and said, "You enjoying sitting at the gutter? You're doing a pretty good job at it!" and gave us thumbs up! Now if you were to do that here in Melbourne they'll be like, "Mate, show me some ID. Now, scram! Get outta here!". I guess that's the difference between country and metropolitan life. Simpler times vs. living in paranoia, simpler times win all the time.

I don't get to go on a lot of roadtrips because face it, Lumut to Bandar is like 40min, going to Temburong nobody is always up to because of the heat and the kusutness so all the roadtrip I ever get when I'm in Borneo is driving up to KK. Even Miri isn't considered a roadtrip because come on, 20min from KB Town that's like driving up to get petrol in Telisai when the ones in Seria and Lumut are out.

Well all I got to say is that trips to places away from the city really does make you appreciate the simple things. Hygiene not included though. But the scenery on the way, the vegetation, especially the vegetation because I have this real uncanny admiration for nature, is just so damn nice! They're pretty, different and open up your eyes to a lot of possibilities that the world can offer. I think being here in Australia is the only chance for me to enjoy these kinds of luxuries. Sometimes even being on the coach going to Mt Buller or Phillip Island can wow you like there's no tomorrow. I know I want to go to places like Sydney, Darwin and Perth but I can do that when I work and have the money to splurge on the more expensive things in life. So far I've only been to Brisbane and Gold Coast to visit my cousins and that was whack! But I hate travelling on airplanes. I know right, year after year of going back and forth home and back makes you think that I might get the hang of it but naah, airplanes and me just don't get along. I don't like how constant it is sometimes, call me weird but I much prefer it when there's turbulence because I sleep better. Although the plus side of travelling on planes alone would be the single-serving friends you make and don't need to keep because everyone is the same. You say Hello and then you say Goodbye. Life goes on.

There's a new skate park opening next week in the country too so I hope I get to be on the ride for that one! I know I'm just so bored and jobless now that I'm down to do anything! So bring it oooonnn!!

I know I've just been rambling, this is how bored I am right now. I'm hungry and I need a shower.

Just finished reading this book a while ago and I'm still intrigued by the last message Elizabeth Gilbert leaves:

In the end, maybe it's wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely, for as long as we have voices.

I think that pretty much summarizes what I want to say to her in reality for writing such a book. Sure, I got bored along the way reading this book because I wanted to get to the end as fast as I could but towards the end I find myself being fond of it again and actually kind of sad that it had to end.

What more can I say about this book? Eat, Pray and Love. The three things that we do cyclically whilst living. I believe that even if you're an atheist there is perhaps still that wish inside you that bears hopes and dreams for the future or ones from yesterday that haven't been fulfilled. I don't ever believe it when people say they never pray because people have wishes every day. Like, wishing things would fall into place for them in terms of looking for the right job. You don't have time for spirituality but sure that wishing and hoping from within is putting it out to the universe that you're a believer? What more if those wishes come true? You'd forget about being selfless and be pleased. Pleased of the gift given to you from a higher power. In my case, being a Muslim, gift from my God, Allah SAW.

Alhamdulillah, with my thesis done and handed in today, I'm pleased and grateful that Allah has given me the strength to not give up and just carry on from the day I started planning for my task until the day I completed it and felt satisfied about it. I was even more satisfied when I printed out copies of my thesis and had them bound. When I got them back I actually let them sit on my table for about five days before flipping through them again, today, for submission. Oh, I feel so relieved! It's like a heavy burden has been lifted from my body, like an evil spirit that has been haunting me for the past year but now that spirit has left me and I'm new again. It's that wonderful feeling. And I hope after this the feedback from the product will be as satisfying as what I'm feeling today. I guess if it wasn't for my prayers and guidance from God I wouldn't have been able to push myself to finish this.

And if you read this book you'll be brought into a spiritual journey that you might be familiar with, and if you're not familiar with it yet, you will begin a spiritual journey that you'd want to continue even after you've finished reading it. I have just gone through a spiritual journey this year myself but of course that story has gone stale and if you see me I am a walking proof of that journey itself.

I don't know, it just feels different now that I'm always at a state of zen with myself. I think I found a common ground with the energy within myself. Well for a start, I used to be so angry all the time, always so emotional which clearly would reflect on my photography, my writing, my body language and myself. I guess all those wasn't intentional and was actually caused by a person because before that I was already always in a state of zen and never cared about what is being said about me, what is being thought about me but this person, well this person brought the worst from me. But anyway, all that has passed and I've moved on. I no longer am attached to that emotional obstacle because I found prayer and dzikir. I know that sounds so lame to 21st century kids but it works.

People would try their best to provoke your sanity and they would topple over and laugh when you've gone insane and out of your mind angry about something. It pleases them the fact that they have won over the battle of trying to piss you off because you accidentally pissed them off just being yourself. Point is that all that doesn't matter anymore to me, I don't care now because it was closure that I seek and it was closure that I found. Sure, a little limerick here and there could make me smile for a little while but you know, knowing how the other person has turned out now tells me a lot about who they are. I don't like to compare myself against anyone, unlike themselves, so they're a pawn in their own game because whilst they think I'm being made bait they're the ones who are actually being caught.

Ironic isn't it?

Now what can I say about Eating and Loving? Suffice to say when it comes to love now, I'm the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. I don't like talking about love too much because it would hurt a few people but seriously, I am so thankful to be given a person whom I feel so comfortable with and want to spend the rest of my life with. Alhamdulillah.

Eating. Well, in the book Liz talks about how much pasta and pizza she eats while in Italy. However, in my case, I'm trying to eat healthy because remember how fat I was a few years back? That was when I was a food snob. Always wanting to taste this, always deliberating that, always criticising another. What I thought was a passion for food actually tried killing me. It made me sick. Obese to be exact. Much to certain people's amusement really but it was really when I came to Australia that I decided I should stop being so unhealthy. I never used to eat a lot of fruits and I never ever liked vegetables at all but I have found that balance in my diet. I'm not as underweight as I used to be a year ago, and mind you looking back at those anorexic looking pictures of me breaks my heart because I looked so sick, but I'm at a very healthy level now. And surprise! I exercise more than I should. I'm 25 years old this year and our bodies shut down easily now that we're already in our late 20s. So I'm trying to take care of my body as often as I can because I learnt that going in and out of hospital not only hurts me but also becomes much of an inconvenience to those people who are involved, especially my family. So I'm trying my best to supplement my body with nutrients so that by the time I turn 50 I'd still be fit to run on the threadmill.

So yeah, there are as many advice I can give as the book can give you too but you know all these things are pretty much common sense anyway. The book only helps enhance the things that you already unconsciously do and makes you think of the things that you've done right and what you're doing wrong. I think that's a good thing.

But point is, when there's already a movie produced about this book, I'd still say I prefer reading than watching. You play a lot more with your imagination while you read and it makes you a lot more happier than when you sit for 1.5hours watching something adapted from a book. I've always preferred it that way.

Toodles!

I'm trying to find different approaches on how to write a literature review about this book. I can perhaps talk about it in a cultural perspective but then again that sounds a bit cliche when it comes to talking about religion, background and the like.

My verdict is that I like this book not because it tries to make readers understand the importance of the hijab to a Muslimah, it also tells a lot about a majority of people dealing with racism and segregation as well as those who inflict racist comments, remarks and those who segregate because of the refusal to accept differences in colour, race and religion. To me, it wasn't the narrative itself that captures me into the life of Amal (the main character of the book) but also the journey I experience whilst reading.

I can relate to a lot of the things that is said within the book - especially the feelings and doubts when Amal first decided to wear the hijab full time. I went through it. I had doubts and was actually scared at one point, scared at how my friends would judge me if one day I walk into class with my head covered. Well, from my own experience, my friends were taken aback a little when they first saw me with it but at that time they knew it was Ramadhan so they perhaps understood my spiritual journey. We even talked about fasting together and I'm glad that I didn't have to go through the whole racist thing because I actually prepare myself for that every time I walk out of my apartment. Not everyone here accepts differences and there are instances when those minute minded people would look at me and have the questioning look on their faces. Well, they don't really know what my journey is all about, do they? So I let them judge me this time. I don't care because this is my jihad to get closer to my creator.

A girl actually questioned my intention of wearing the hijab. She questioned the reason why I get my head covered, questioned me covering up from head to toe. She said why show my faith when in the end I'm only going to relapse? Well, the answer is here already in front of your eyes. I don't do this to show off to people because I don't answer to people, I answer to God and only He and I know the real answer why I have chosen this path. I don't have any other answer to that because what is the real answer to why people become pious all so suddenly other than what we already know? Well, individuals have no rights to judge other individuals based on behaviour and aesthetics. I don't dress up the way I am to show to people or to be in-trend. When I first started covering up, I didn't even tell anyone the reason why I've done it because I don't need people to know what my hearts' contents are. It is between me and Allah and whether He wants to reward me for this in the afterlife is not within my grasp because I am not a perfect human being. I am thankful that Allah has shown me his hidayah and for a person as stubborn as I am, this is the most I have done in terms of swallowing my pride. I have never been one to love baring skin except for shorts but other than that, I don't always feel like. I don't even take pride in skin. But that's just who I am and who I am now.

It's up to you to say bad things about me, to question my intention and pray that one day you'd see me not wearing it again and covering up my body and talking about sex openly. I know a lot of people who would be very pleased with that but look at yourselves first. Look at your decision and what you have said when you decided to cover your head. Look back at what your intentions were when you covered your aurah - did you do it because you saw people suddenly covering up and they looked good so you wanted to do the same so people around would praise you? Or did you do it because you feel obligated, you feel that you owe your life and body to God, you feel that you want to earn that extra good deed and prepare yourself for jannah? Question after question from those who want to see me falter only reflects back on those people, not me. Any right minded person would agree to this. It's just like when you call another person "Cock-deprived". When you say this, it only reflects back at you - that you aren't. So the shame is on you. Get it?

So I don't see any reason why I need to justify my decision to cover my hair when I walk out of my apartment or anywhere I go because if you know anything about Islam at all, you'll know the exact reason why. I don't need to preach about religion. I like sharing about religion, of course, and I do stray away sometimes but Allah is just and Allah is forgiving. InsyAllah everyone will find their way so please don't contradict yourself because that alone tells a lot about you. Praise Allah and say Alhamdulillah if the path of righteousness has been shown to you in your heart or wherever, but don't ever be proud to be something the religion tells you not to be.

Remember, Iblis fell from grace because he was too proud.

So moral of the story, and how much I have turned from the book, is that no matter how different you are from the person next to you, no matter how ugly, how beautiful and how jealous you are to another person, remember that you are created different. Everyone is unique in their own ways. Why would you want to be a second version of someone else, when you can be the original version of yourself? I know that is justifiable when applied to individuals who choose to be different in terms of dressing up and whatnot, but it is what's in your heart that matters most. If you stick true to yourself, be yourself and not try to be someone else, guidance will come your way much easier than you think it would. Because of this, you can't judge anyone deliberately just because they have shown to you a different side of them that you have never seen before. Whatever people choose to do, what they want to become, what they wish to proof is all about their journey through this life. Remember Qada' and Qadar are in the hands of Allah so if your conscience tell you to pursue something, do it. If your heart tells you that what you're doing is wrong, listen.

No battle is harder than fighting to listen to the whispers of shaitan. So if one day you feel unattractive in a hijab, remember those are only whispers of the devil. If you can say no to being fat, or wearing smelly shoes, then you definitely can say no to the number one source of evil. Surely that's not too terrible huh? I bet if you set your ego aside and accept yourself for who you are and not look at the people around you and feel that you're lesser than they are, it would be easier for you to be the better person than who you once were. If you know me at all, I have not been a star pupil or the favorite granddaughter or the most favored niece. If you're a regular at my blogs than you'll know how many times I've proven to my non-believers that I am who they think I'm not. Like I said, a lot of people have always waited for me to falter, relapse, fall but my motto in life is to finish what I started. So you figure that out.

These are the kinds of things that are told in this book and that is perhaps why I like reading it so much. I think if time allows me to do so one day, I might give it another read. It's two weeks til my thesis submission now and I'm getting busier and busier by the minute but I'd like to read more books like this. It's not thick either, but the storyline is as real as it gets. There are characters in there who like to question, to block Amal's path and decision but she stands true to her faith and decision and that is what I like so much about this book. A book that makes me reflect on my own journey, that's my kind of book.

Til then, I'll try to blog more here. Tumblr's only taking a lot of my time as it keeps me browsing and browsing. But I'll definitely be back for good after my thesis submission. Toodles!

If you like what you see in the pictures above, I've actually just made screen captures from my cousin's online shopping website.

I'm helping her advertise because I simple LOVE the items she's selling. If you're familiar with Lookbook, The Sartorialist and anything fashion related in Tumblr, you'll be pleased to discover that those things can now be in your possession and not just something in your wish list.

NASQYE'S has everything on offer and at affordable prices. Bags, dresses, flattering skirts, shoes, cardigans, accessories and many more that you can get your hands on.

For terms and conditions, please do visit the website at http://www.nasqye-s.blogspot.com/ and if you're interested in anything, contacting the seller, my cousin, is as easy as a breeze. So please, now, make your way to NASQYE'S and have a haul!

I thought it'd be a very good idea to take a break and do a little bit of blogging before I start on the whole thesis hoopla again.

Ahh.. so how has everyone been? I miss blogging and putting random thoughts on the screen. I'm so used to looking for things, reading, evaluating, using and explaining now that sometimes the thought of blogging again kind of puts me of, scared that I might miss my train of thought about my topic. Can you imagine how many things that are possible to write about the RTB? At the start of Honours, I used to think of RTB as a negative entity - you know, full of paternalistic programs that never seem to want to stop telling people to do what the philosophy tells you to do but the more I research about it and read about public broadcasters the more I understand their goal. Regardless whether they do a lot of vague plannings, wanting to be commercial, and anything bad that we've ever thought about them. RTB, as of now, is my heart and soul. Nothing I want more =)

Truth be told, I am never one to care about what MIB is, the emphasis of the national language, what can and cannot be done in the country et cetera. Perhaps it is good that I'm writing about an organisation that contributes to the whole of the nation's well-being because now, I find that I care a lot. My book, at the end of this semester, will be my baby. My blood, my sweat, my tears. I find that I love Brunei more than ever now, not only because I've been away from it for six years, not only because my family is there waiting for my permanent stay, but because I now care and seriously do. I know I'm not an ideal Bruneian, I have yet a lot to learn and prepare for employment, especially Malay-language-in-writing wise, but I have the basics of it and I'm a fast learner and an apt student so go figure. I'm not confident that employment will be laid out for me in front of my eyes but come what may because I have prepared for unemployment. I have a plan. Who knows this thing that I'm going to do will eventually be something I make a living of so I'm just going to be thankful of any kind of tests and obstacles that may come my way.

The only thing I'm not looking forward to this time I go back home is when those know-it-all elders say this and that that I might not like but who am I to want them to change? They're older than I am, they always do know what's best for me. Like my mom say, if you don't like what those people tell you to do, or whether they're telling you off for the things that you do or have done, just listen, nod and smile. Whether I am to take their advice, or words of wisdom, into perspective is up to me. All the time, for the whole of my life, I have never listened and they, too, have never tire to say the same thing over and over again. You know, love hate relationship somewhat. And that's pretty cool, I reckon.

I can't wait for life to start :) Thank you, Allah.

SHARE THIS WITH YOUR DEARS AND NEARS..


This is amazing, he died of pancreatic cancer in 2008, but wrote a book ‘The last lecture” before then, one of the bestsellers in 2007. What a legacy to leave behind…
In a letter to his wife Jai and his children, Dylan, Logan, and Chloe, he wrote this beautiful "guide to a better life" for his wife and children to follow.
May you be blessed by his insight.

POINTS ON HOW WE CAN IMPROVE OUR LIVES

Personality:
1. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
2. Don't have negative thoughts of things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment
3. Don't over do; keep your limits
4. Don't take yourself so seriously; no one else does
5. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip
6. Dream more while you are awake
7 . Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner of his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
8 . Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
9 . Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present
10 . No one is in charge of your happiness except you
11 . Smile and laugh more
12 . You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Community:
1 3 . Call your family often
14 . Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6
15 . Try to make at least three people smile each day
16 . What other people think of you is none of your business
17 . Your job will not take care of you when you are sick. Your family and friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
18 . Put GOD first in anything and everything that you think, say and do.
19 . GOD heals everything
20 . Do the right things
21 . However good or bad a situation is, it will change
22 . No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up
23 . The best is yet to come
24 . Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful
25 . When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it
26. If you know GOD you will always be happy. So, be happy.

While you practice all of the above, share this knowledge with the people you love, people you school with, people you play with, people you work with and people you live with.
Not only will it enrich YOUR life, but also that of those around you

days left til I come back to the blogging world for real!

OK, so a few months back a friend inboxed me on Facebook and asked why I've been keeping this blog redundant. I have my reasons, I said, at that time but only to receive another message that said I shouldn't let my stalkers/haters get in the way of me. As a principle, NO, I never ever let that get in the way of me. The only reason why I've stopped blogging here religiously is that some of my readers don't actually get where I'm going. To them, I'm cocky. To them, I'm too proud. To them, I'm too ambitious. This "them" might even be just one person, so when there's only one bad fruit, why bother coz there are many other fruits to pick and made into a yummy apple struddle. Right? But I guess this one person always gets affected by what I have to say and in turn it becomes a very negative thing in this person's life. I don't like to raise any kind of anger in any kind of person so to whom it may concern, I'm sorry, if what you see my life has unfolded into something that bothers you and make you hate me even more. I'm sincerely sorry.

My secret is this: Believe. For when you don't that's when you start making excuses to not pursue something, then you feel unaccomplished and then you come back here, read what I have to share, and hate me even more. I don't want you to hate me more than you already have because it does not reflect on me, it reflects on yourself. Please, accept this apology and please, believe in yourself. Things will fall in place for you sooner or later.

Remember this: Allah will not test a person if He doesn't already know your strengths and weaknesses. The harder you feel your tests in life are, it only means Allah knows you're stronger than anyone else who has achieved more than you have. So believe in yourself. Believe in Allah's Qada' and Qadar, pray to Him for only He can show you light, try harder and never give up. You've probably been following me for years now and I know it bothers you that I'm always so mind-numbingly positive, which to you is unrealistic, but look at where I'm at now. So please, don't give up and try and try and try again.

Do it with Bismillah.

I wonder who has been visiting this blog, now that it's left redundant. I guess people are still watching my backs, or waiting for updates. It's hard to juggle a lot of stuff at a time but I've been updating my looks palette in my Tumblr so go visit and follow me :)