It has taken me a while to watch Black Swan and boy, am I satisfied with it albeit with only a small television and a DVD player in my room? (Yes, yes, OK I have fallen out of the film-buff circuit because well, I don't watch that much TV anymore, I don't go on the internet a whole lot except for last night after a loooong time of not being on Tumblr, and I don't keep up to date on the latest thingamajigs anymore. Call me boring, but I've been getting acquainted with my beloved BOOKS! Because I'm a hermit that way. And unemployed. So sue me.)

Aaahh I am still swirling in giddiness over how lovely and lush this film is. Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis. One is sweet, fragile, frail, a perfectionist, frigid and BORING. The other one, care-free, lively, robust, unpretentious and FUN. Tell me, which one would you prefer to be the Swan Queen? But seeing that Nina (Natalie) has the looks and character for the perfect white swan, she was chosen as the Queen. Of course, when you see someone as your competition, you'd start listening to the little devil that lives inside of you and start being subconscious about stupid malarkies like, "She's gonna snatch my role from me!" so this Nina girl started to be paranoid and schizophrenic.

I don't want to give away too much in case somebody hasn't seen it already but please please please do and bask yourself in the awesomeness of the world of ballet and the politics that surround it. Politics. That's the word, especially when they frequently use "Company" whilst referring to the "flock" so to speak. I LOVE IT! Man, can you just feel how excited I am still about it? I can watch it over and over again and still be in love with it. The cinematography isn't the best but the way it makes you feel icky, flustered, angry, satisfied and the lot just makes you want to grab the remote and hit rewind over and over and over again! Although with the new technology you can always look for Scene Selection but by golly, please do watch it. I especially love how this film plays psychological mind tricks on you and ESPECIALLY on the protagonist herself - and towards the end, you're in for a surprise and you'll be like OH MY GOD! and just die for a second until you come back to life again to watch the scene over and over again.

Heeee I can ramble on but there it is, my review on the Black Swan =) it's splendid!

Wow this is the toughest book I've had to read as yet. Talk about feeling strongly about capitalism and making allegories about death, suicide, drugs and all things that help shape the world on hindsight. However, I kind of like that he doesn't write this book in a straight forward manner though. I like that he makes me think about what he's writing although to be frank there really isn't anything that I can imagine other than just keep the words rolling at the tip of my tongue like seamless poetry. Just like when I read Shakespeare. I don't get it but I see storylines folding. Can't quite make out the links between them.

But anyhow, I love it when somebody can talk about capitalism that way. I, as you know, hate capitalism so you'd understand why I'd be hooked up on it. So imagine my relief right now to be back for good in this promise land where everything is surprisingly cheap. Was actually quite startled to find a pair of shoes that cost me only thirty bucks, just 14 bucks to pay for two sets of Happy Meals for me and my sister, AND $2.50 for my new pet betta, ça va. Man, I love this country!

On the other hand, though, what is up with people who like to stare like they have something to say yet when we smile at them they rudely look away and/or roll their eyes at us? I still don't get that. That's the one thing that I hate about being here, it's like, we can't live in peace for even a moment. In Melbourne, when someone stares at you like that and we smile at them, they'd smile back or throw you a "How you going" or a Hi. Although the motif behind that is vague, the feeling you get after that clash is quite great. We should definitely put that to practice.

The things that make you tick.
And then think about what makes them so unbearable that you had to belt out curses, leers, sneers, smirks and bad thoughts.

Think: are they reasonable enough of a judgment that deserve to be deliberately thought of in such a way that makes you angry?

We as human beings tend to be dissatisfied by others' satisfaction; be it jealousy, feeling of unease, discomfort, emptiness or whatever you want to call it. A lot of us pass judgment on others because we desire the things that they have. One way to handle it is to be supportive, but a lot of us choose to do the other - by being mean and then trying to prove things that aren't supposed to be bad into reasons to be bickering about to begin with.

That's one of the many things that I realise upon stepping foot in Brunei. People here, instead of being supportive of each other and sharing the comfort of others' while they bathe in the deserving materials of their own desire, choose to hate.

Come on, what good will come out of this negativity? How are we ever going to live in harmony? So what if somebody else has what we don't, doesn't give us the rights to one-up ourselves and get something that isn't within our grasp. That's waste and waste is one the very thing that shaitan loves. A lot of people love waste. I have learnt that if I don't really need something urgently then I don't really deserve that thing. Sure, having something would be and actually is very very satisfying but waste, what is so satisfying about that? Think about all of the money we could save if we so ever listen to our better voices to not do something. Surely the outcome'll be good no?

I don't get why people would leer at me for mixing up my cheap apparels. I like the way I look and the best thing about being a person is when you're satisfied of yourself by being yourself. Allah loves that. Allah loves it when you're grateful of what you have. He hates it when you get something that isn't within what you can afford. I know I'm preaching but what isn't right about that? Listen to the better voice in your head.

Sure, I used to spend on a lot of things even when I don't really need them and they'd end up being rotten in the pits of all the things that I already have. I guess now I'm paying for it with guilt. What if I'd saved all that money? What are the things that I could afford to get now? I'm sure I'll be able to pay for those shoes, and that handbag, and those pants, and rings and necklaces. It's disgusting how I wasn't really thinking about what might happen when I don't have money to afford things and the worst thing is when I've gone through being broke til I couldn't even afford food, that was the worst way how a person's dignity can be surrendered. All because money was lost from spending on so many things that I don't even deserve in the first place. Why? Because I wanted to look good? Because other people had it?

Ugh.

But alhamdulillah, being friends with people from different backgrounds had surely opened up my eyes and now I can clearly see that brands and three digit dollars do not make you attractive. Now I get things that I can immediately afford and I am a walking proof that getting things I can afford stresses me less and I'm a much happier person. I don't need those expensive thingamajigs to make me feel good about myself. In fact, what it does is make me unhappy because I'd always end up having no money!

That was years ago though, I used to hang around pretentious people who thought I was just like them just because they knew what my background was. Now I avoid those people altogether just so that I'd feel less of a jerk around them not because I'm a prick but because I loath conversations that revolve around temporary material things. What the hell does it matter if what you have between your legs cost you hundreds of dollars? and who gave you the rights to judge me if what I wear are collectively a hundred dollars?

Humans, never satisfied and always having that drive to be more costly than other people. Think of things in the long run people. Yeah ok, some of you might say I'm too backwards and too serious, I need to live more because we're only young once. That's so true. But lets compare ourselves in 10 years and the bills that we had to pay and able to while we're at it.

I have lived in phases where families shatter and come back because of money. Even in my own family, sometimes we had to scrape for food. I was lucky enough to be on scholarship for the past years to be able to afford to pay for things but truthfully, days when I don't have anything to put in my mouth are more than you can even imagine.

So people, if you think that your leers would show me that you hate me coz you don't like what I have on my body, don't worry, they're something you can easily afford. I'm just confident enough to prance around in them because I'm always proud of the things that I can afford with my own blood, sweat and tears =) Please, next time you see me in something you want but don't know where to get - ask. Don't stare at me like I have boils all over my face. Not cool. What if I stare back and make you uncomfortable? What would be your reason if I asked you what your problem is?

So please, please, everyone, when you think about the things that make you tick, think first why that thing makes you tick so much? Why are you so angry? If the reason is unreasonable and invalid, well, why not just put a smile back on your face after you say your istighfar? You'll see how good it feels to be close to the one creator, insyAllah.

If you try hard enough, in the end the fruit of your loom will be worthy enough to be showed of and told stories to others to. Trust me.

Allah sends astray whom He wills and He guides on the Straight Path whom He wills. [Al-Anaam 6:39]

To begin with, I am THAT person who targets at things and would not be satisfied until they have been met with vigour - sometimes whether I like it or not, for as long as I have completed something at my own will and sweat, I'll be more than satisfied.

So this year, I am turning to a new page and I will not let any bullshit from anyone get to me. I wouldn't even want to begin to care about those people who don't matter a slightest bit to myself. Have been putting that to practice since December the last and it feels liberating! You know, that simpler feeling of being just yourself and not to live to satisfy other peoples' needs and wants - which do nothing but stress you out - and not doing things while the other eye looks at people around awaiting for their approval or the other. A lot of people do that, don't they? We have all come to a conclusion that people who do that are those who likes to be loved because they don't love themselves. Too bad. All the money in the world can't bring you happiness so could you just stop showing your dollars and hoping that somebody'd feel what you'd expect them to feel? Berdosa.

Also, I'd like to practice more on the things that I have long abandoned. There are many. So very many. They come in abundance and of course being me I'd end up doing them halfway and leaving them til they've lost their love for me before coming back to them again. Now that I'm fully free I can definitely put whatever I've put on halt to practice. InsyAllah.

Lastly, prayers, dzikir and doa. More. InsyAllah. If Allah wills.

I'm ready to face the world now, I'm ready to put behind things that happened in the past, I will move forward towards positive energy and I will be zen. So if ever I don't deliver, know that I am only human and I am my own worst enemy. So insyAllah, I hope Allah prolongs my life and let me prosper when I do, so I could support my family with dignity and not because, like other people, I'd like to show-off how many bars of gold I've got. That ain't right.

If you see me in rags, know that I'm preparing for something big and better for myself. Amin yarabbal alamin =)

Hi there!
Making changes to this blog and ones I have elsewhere. Why? As said on the above. Yeap, I took the liberty to draw something new as inspired by a recent event that totally made me pull my head back and laugh in realisation that authenticity isn't at its best when trying to poke the bees' nest. Come on now.

I'm back and enjoying the weather. Ah, humidity and hypocrisy. They go together so very well don't they?

Loves,
xoxo.