Why.

Assalammualaikum,

Coffee, albeit crappy, still can give you that superficial superiority
towards your fatigue.

Is that how we should approach life then?

Anyway, how have you been? How was your holiday yesterday? Mine was
splendid as I spent it with the loved ones over good food, Jackass 3D
and a weird lame ass horror flick called Setan Facebook LOL!

I prepared lamb shoulder with a recipe that I adapted from Jamie
Oliver and also cooked butter lamb for my cousin who celebrated her
birthday the day before. It was good. I mean, the lamb shoulder was
freaking exquisite! Four hours in the oven cooking on medium heat,
with just salt, pepper, olive oil, mint and rosemary but tastes oh
soooo delish! How can you not fall in love? I used lamb shoulder
cutlets but if I had used whole lamb shoulder, it would have been a
feast for the face! Would've been nice.

OK real reason I am here is because I have been keeping something very
very quiet since god knows when. I have never shared this with anyone
else except with my boyfriend and people I'm very very majorly close
with.

Scenario:
I grew up with this person yeah, shared ups and downs, tears and blood
and sweat and gore. We exchanged life stories, swapped our lives one
point or another. We were inseparable, like siblings.

But of course as time passes and hearts yonder, we grew apart. Our
interests aren't the same anymore, our opinions clash and I find that
being myself is better than anything else in this world. I mean, why
should I even pretend to be someone I'm not when I'm much more
comfortable and confident being in my own skin? I dress up how I'm
most comfortable in, wear shoes that I love and can walk in, wear
pants that lets me forget about how big my bum is and I stick to what
I believe in, especially when somebody asks for my opinion. Well
sometimes they dont even have to ask for my opinion. Most people who
are used to me know what my opinions are because I have never ever let
out something unless I feel strongly about it. So I feel strongly
about so many things but so what? That should not deter you from
having your own opposing opinion. That's how I respect people, they
must have an argument with me first in order for me to raise an
opinion about them. If you just sit there talking smack about every
single being within your sight, well you ought to know by now exactly
what I think about you. So you know, if I don't really talk to you,
you know why. Because it is always better to keep quiet when you're
angry about something, it's only right. Go figure.

So yes, this thing that I have been keeping quiet about kay. I don't
get why you need to do that to every single person who has hopes for
you. I had hopes for you. I hoped for so many things. But you have not
been even close to being helpful. How can you neglect us with your
defense that's as close as hot turd? I will not take that defense of
yours as something acceptable because it just ain't! So you're saying
the reason why you're always not giving us face is because whenever
you're occupied you have to be selfish? Maybe it is acceptable but you
are always occupied. Please put that insanity aside and be as sane as
possible, if you can! I cannot cope with this stupidity of yours. We
all grew up together, and you're pushing us aside just because your
occupied state would need you to be neglectful? What kind of a reason
is that for defense purpose? Oh my god! When I found out I was
screaming "SELFISH SELFISH SELFISH!!!" in my head and you cannot even
imagine how much I want to shake you right now and make you realise
how stupid your actions are.

Why are you being like this? Have you not learn anything from the
people around you? Have you not realise that being selfish does not
bring you anywhere but towards breakdown? You have seen it yourself on
you and you are experiencing it right now. But why are you selling
your story and making it as if you're the one being victimised? Please
have some heart! Please just realise that what you're doing right now
will only sink you to the bottom of the food chain and you will always
be victimised from now on, starting from your sad retarded story of
YOU being the victim. NO. The answer, and I interject, NO. Because you
always try to play the I am Cute Therefore You Have To Worship Me Thus
What I Say You Must Believe card. You are pathetic! Pleassseeee how do
I even start to make you realise the mistake that you are doing right
now?

I have included you in all of the phases in my life. I welcome you
into my home. I feed you the food of my loom. I share you my remedies
for the pain that you feel. We ALL have done that for you, show that
we care, show that we love you but how do you repay us? With NOTHING!
Please, do you not realise that what you're doing right now is insane
beyond believe? Look at those people whom you refer to as your best
friends, they are stabbing your back again and again with a blunt
knife that they took from your house!!! Will this insanity ever stop?

You know what, I will always welcome you back and help you when you so
need but I don't think how I feel towards you will ever be the same
again. Of course we grew up together and we've cried a thousand tears
and we wished to millions of stars. But now I just can't accept you
for who you are because what you are are full of pretentiousness. You
put on a mask in front of people and while slowly seeping these people
into giving you the attention you crave, you manipulate them, put
strings on their limbs to move them like puppets, treat them wrong and
then break their hearts. They wallow in self loathe while you move on
to your next victim.

You, please, wake the damn hell up! This life is only temporary. You
mustn't be careless about it. You do not need to feel like you're
being left out if you don't have all those things that others have.
You do not need to overdraw your credit card in order to satisfy your
lust for things you can't even afford. Why do you need to do that? Do
you know of the things I have heard being spoken of you by many? In
their eyes you are vulnerable but in their opinions you are just
wasting your life away.

I hope in time you will read this post and realise that it has not
been possible for me to approach you and reach out and that I have
given up. I hope that you will read this and realise that you have
been making a grave mistake. You have more for you in this life, why
are you wasting it? While we sit here and shake our heads towards you,
you laugh at us saying that we're leaving out on so many things.
Buddy, you need to realise that the person looking back at you from
the mirror is not smiling in the heart anymore. So please. Realise it
on your own. We all know that you're not happy. We all know that you
crave for attention. We have given you our attention and tried helping
you but you decided to ignore and follow the waters that flow towards
a dark alley that has nothing inside.

We will wait for you in our state of mediocrity. You might look at us
as if we're poor souls, without money and material possessions but
please realise that when we all have aged, that it is not material
possessions and money that keeps the soul alive.

Coz I ran for LOVE.
RAN FOR LOVE!!!!

Oh God save me.

I love how pretentious the setting of this place is. Box upon box of beings facing the tube, staring at the quiet satisfaction of moolahs getting into their pocket every quarter. And they don't even have to do a thing. Is this the kind of jargon I'm being seeped into now? Can I ever be satisfied with what I have, ever?

Why did I have all principles when I'm just gonna break them?

Because, ladies and gents, I ain't. My journey has just begun.

Yesterday I was told to slow down because I finished doing six
spreadsheets in an hour.

I am having BRIDEX withdrawals. I used to be very very busy, database
to update every other minute, floor plan to change every other hour,
meetings from morning til afternoon, clients to see everyday, sales to
make every split second and the overwhelming stress to endure. It was
fulfilling and uplifting.

I miss that. I want that.

I am a nomad here. Moving from PC to PC with every absence, occupying
the emptiness of desks of those who met with MCs or vacations. My job
is short of the thrill I am used to. But I chose this. I wanted this
because the offer is tonnes and tonnes better even for a menial
position.

That satisfaction I crave that comes with stress will soon suffice.
Til then, I'll take advantage of this flexi hour to complete chores
and hopes I long have left to do something else.

I love that You are challenging me with this hardship now. I know that
one day I'll look back at these times and be thankful that despite all
the questions and remarks people have thrown at me, I never gave up
hope that better things are bound to appear.

If one day better things HAVE appeared, then I'll be happy that my
aspirations did happen and that I am indeed not the type of person who
just sits there doing nothing. All of those who has called me unstable
for taking so many risks with my life thus far, thank you. For
everything I am not has made me everything I am today.

Alhamdulillah for the rizq you've given to me, ya Allah. I know I am a
person of so many imperfections and fault, I deserve everything, and I
am thankful.

=)

And I am bound to meet some more as time passes by; when I get old I'd like to tell my grandkids that I am not going to teach them how to deal with peoples' personalities but let them experience these people all to their own because if not, how will they ever learn?

Is to be she who will bring me to jannah.

Assalammualaikum

Malay, you are in my blood but it's so hard to utter you...

Bahasa melayu.

Nyeh

Nisa Halim

Nisa Halim

Nisa Halim

Wow, finally had the time to actually SIT and put my thoughts into words (I hope). At last I am here sitting in my room at 7.30pm when usually I'd be out sweating away and going back to sleep as early as I can to recuperate for tomorrow's bread-winning. (Dammit what the hell is wrong with the connection tonight, baru jua I want to sit and blog kan. Geez.)

Anyway, I have been working by day and trying to get in shape by night for the past lightyear since I arrived in Brunei. It's no easy matter my friend, I gained ALOTAWEIGHT the three weeks I had visitors in Melbourne and those days were filled with a lot of food and too little exercise! All my effort of going to the gym in the evenings running, striding and cycling away was just wasted like that. Yeah sure it comes just as much as a regret NOW as it was guilt-less at that time of event. I hate thinking about how inconsiderate I was to my own fitness when I've spent too much to shed all those kilos a couple of years ago.

But anyway, I've had comments from friends that I look fitter and healthier as of late - which, face it, brings a lot of tears to my face. Damn, to even begin thinking about going back to being over weight. FOR SHAME! Thank goodness I have the realisation of a thunderous intellectual planetary and the mirror as my biggest enemy, I made the effort to work out and stay on the safe zone. Hate to think about all those who think food is all they have and that they don't need to exercise but goodness me I've been them before and the repercussion was greater than you can ever imagine. Well, minus side is some parts have become more prominent than the rest and that bugs me a little bit but I keep telling myself if Kim can live with it then so can I. Mine ain't even half as bad as hers are so go figure :D AND I refuse to be under weight - also been there. Looking back at all those pictures... eugh... all that hair and all bones with no flesh. Not a good sight.

And in terms of work I have a lot of titles under my name as it is already - I am mainly a sales executive but I am also doing marketing work and helping out with office planning and liaising with contractors and whatnot. It's stressful, yes. But I'm not complaining :D I know sometimes things can get a bit off and some days are just too much but alhamdulillah, this is better than nothing. My friends aren't surprise that I am actually enjoying all this stress but which straight up ghetto person doesn't? HAHA! No, for serious, I am enjoying all the demands, the emails, the requests, the changes of things for every single second to no end. I love my job! Haven't actually told this to anyone but I LOVE MY JOB! Haven't gotten my pay, that's my only complain but that's only a little part of the benefit that I'll be able to bring with me when I do other jobs! AND I LOVE THE TRAVELLING! Sorry to say but all ye who say "Ai jauh jua tu" must give it a try sometimes. You don't bring stress back home because you just cannot maintain a harmonious household that way so when you drive, you volume up and tune out! Let your stress out so as you step off the car when you arrive home, you'll be puffing out a chestful of relief. I do that everyday. I am so thankful!

And to think back to when I used to be so angry about just about anything!

I'm a grown up!

Good thing is I'm not one who strive to please everyone - maybe that's the secret to keeping your stress in control.

Gosh I have a lot more to share but I have guests and Wrestlemania is on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UNDERTAKER WILL WIN!
BYE!

Nisa Halim

Since when have I become the sort of person who brings her work home? 

I am so glad and thankful that at this age, I have not succumbed to the weakness that would make me surrender and do things that are against my will, principles and religion. I am so thankful and grateful that throughout all the stress and peer pressure that I've gone through, I have been given the strength to say NO and put my feet firmly on the ground.

There are so many people out there that I could be thanking right now. My role models. Thank you so very much.

Nisa Halim

Tomorrow I am SO making it look as if i'm singing with a mic too!

Excellent!

Nisa Halim

Nisa Halim

First of all: Alhamdulillah... I feel so blessed right now and I thank Allah the Almighty for opening the doors of my rizq.

The beauty of patience.

At first there were a lot of things that I was going to say but I decided against it because I am past hurting anyone's feelings. I have spent the last 14 months trying to cleanse myself and stop my mind from being hurled by backlashes from parties that has no slight significance to myself. Come on, what century is this? More people are converting to Islam, why are you lashing your own people? Open up, give up and stop listening to whispers of shaitan. He's called the Devil for a reason OK. Why follow his footsteps?

Don't you see how those Muslims in Britain are seeking Islamic marriages for the same gender? Nauzubillah. These are small signs of end of days. Let us all pray for each other so that we get to enjoy Jannah and not rot in the agony of hell fire.

And don't even get me started on those who judge looks from aesthetics and not from the inside. Astaghfirullahalazim. We don't know what those other people are up to. What if they pray more times than us in a day? What if they read more pages of the Quran than we do? What if they seek forgiveness from their parents and for their parents to be forgiven in their prayers? Surely Allah sees those people as ones higher in standing than ourselves because all we do is judge and judging is a sin.

I am still normal if you meet me in person. I talk normally, I crack up jokes and I talk about stuff that don't make sense. So what if I make ablution and prostate before Allah? Doesn't make me scary. What it does make me is a person who is scared of death when it comes. I am a person with sin so death is what I fear the most. I am just trying to fit in my time for God so I am better prepared for when I die. I know I will have to pay for all those words I've said about people, all the gossips I've shared with others and all those bad thoughts I've thought about others. All those 14 months I've counted and TRIED not doing all these have come with a prize: I no longer care about the stares and the glares. If it takes that long to be in this state of nonchalance, I guess it'll take me a thousand more years to be pious. Alas, I am trying. I want to be staunch and I want my kids to be close to Allah. InsyAllah. If Allah wills, then He will guide me to the right path.

Right now I can say that Iblis still lingers because I do have bad thoughts and insecurities but that's inevitable. Just how we are strong and counter words and actions from people, that's just how we should be with Iblis. And just how those annoying people will disappear when we ignore them, that's just how we should treat Iblis. Ignore him. Ignore. Just stop it with the insecurities when you want to start something good. Like my boyfriend said, "Perkara baik ani jangan d tangguh2kan." So when the niat is there, accomplish it. Then cherish it by saying your thanks to Allah.

So Alhamdulillah. Since Friday up until today, life have been nothing but good to me. Alhamdulillah.

Friends, if you want to start something that you know will benefit you in the end, do it. Ignore your inner inhibitions that makes you feel that people are going to judge you. People WILL judge you but ignore them.

End of the day, the pahala is yours, not theirs.

Jazakallah syukran.

Sigh. The art of pleasing the body. And oh, im finally taking calcium tablets after breaking my arms 23 years ago. Wow! I am THAT old!!

وَلا تَتَمَنَّوا ما فَضَّلَ اللَّهُ
بِهِ بَعضَكُم عَلىٰ بَعضٍ ۚ لِلرِّجالِ
نَصيبٌ مِمَّا اكتَسَبوا ۖ
وَلِلنِّساءِ نَصيبٌ مِمَّا اكتَسَبنَ
ۚ وَسـَٔلُوا اللَّهَ مِن فَضلِهِ ۗ
إِنَّ اللَّهَ كانَ بِكُلِّ شَيءٍ
عَليمًا

Do not envy the favors which God has granted to some of you. Men and
women will both be rewarded according to their deeds, rather pray to
God for His favors. God knows all things.

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Sent from my iPod

Alhamdulillah, ya Allah, thank you so much for shining your hidayah on
me. People might think that my intentions are astray but only you know
of my truest intentions for you are Almighty and there is no other God
but You.

Sent from my iPod

وَلَيسَتِ التَّوبَةُ لِلَّذينَ
يَعمَلونَ السَّيِّـٔاتِ حَتّىٰ إِذا
حَضَرَ أَحَدَهُمُ المَوتُ قالَ إِنّى
تُبتُ الـٰٔنَ وَلَا الَّذينَ يَموتونَ
وَهُم كُفّارٌ ۚ أُولٰئِكَ أَعتَدنا
لَهُم عَذابًا أَليمًا

There is no forgiveness for those who commit sin and do not repent
until the last moment of their lives nor for those who die as
unbelievers. For these people We have prepared a painful torment.

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Sent from my iPod

إِنَّمَا التَّوبَةُ عَلَى اللَّهِ
لِلَّذينَ يَعمَلونَ السّوءَ
بِجَهٰلَةٍ ثُمَّ يَتوبونَ مِن قَريبٍ
فَأُولٰئِكَ يَتوبُ اللَّهُ عَلَيهِم ۗ
وَكانَ اللَّهُ عَليمًا حَكيمًا

God will only accept the repentance of those who commit evil in
ignorance, if they repent immediately. God is All-knowing and All-wise

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Sent from my iPod

يٰأَيُّهَا الَّذينَ ءامَنُوا اصبِروا
وَصابِروا وَرابِطوا وَاتَّقُوا
اللَّهَ لَعَلَّكُم تُفلِحونَ

Believers, have patience, help each other with patience, establish
good relations with one another, and have fear of God so that you may
have everlasting happiness.

Sent using alQuran. http://iphone.almubin.com/alQuran

Sent from my iPod

لا تَحسَبَنَّ الَّذينَ يَفرَحونَ بِما
أَتَوا وَيُحِبّونَ أَن يُحمَدوا بِما
لَم يَفعَلوا فَلا تَحسَبَنَّهُم
بِمَفازَةٍ مِنَ العَذابِ ۖ وَلَهُم
عَذابٌ أَليمٌ

Do not think that those who are happy with their possessions and
positions and those who love to be praised for what they themselves
have not done can ever be saved from torment. For them there will be a
painful punishment.

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Sent from my iPod

هُم دَرَجٰتٌ عِندَ اللَّهِ ۗ وَاللَّهُ
بَصيرٌ بِما يَعمَلونَ

People are of various grades in the sight of God. God is Well-Aware of
all that they do.

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Sent from my iPod

كَيفَ يَهدِى اللَّهُ قَومًا كَفَروا
بَعدَ إيمٰنِهِم وَشَهِدوا أَنَّ
الرَّسولَ حَقٌّ وَجاءَهُمُ
البَيِّنٰتُ ۚ وَاللَّهُ لا يَهدِى
القَومَ الظّٰلِمينَ

Why would God guide a people who disbelieves after having had faith,
who have found the Messenger to be truthful, and who have received
authoritative evidence? God does not guide the unjust

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Sent from my iPod

Kept forgetting to blog about this. I've just finished reading this about a week ago. Well, if a book is good, I say it's good. If it isn't then it isn't but this book speaks for itself through it's title. It is MAHHHVELOOUS dahling and for serious, if you don't want to read books anymore because you ain't got the time, well just swallow it and grab this one instead. Truly, you'll find time :)

It's about a family far from perfect. With a little mark-up of very very dark humour.

And whilst reading I couldn't help wondering why Mo wanted to have that affair with the boy 30 years younger than she is - and you will find later in the pages that this was the X-Man who flirted with her daughter and was bashed by her husband and he had to go back to New Zealand. Poor Kiwi indeed. No, that was not a spoiler, excuse you me. That was quite a bit of a filler for when you see this in the shops and decide, "Hmm, it looks dodgy." Smack my ass and call me Judy then, you are totally wrong.

Go get it okay!

Yes, that is an order in a fashionly manner.

Toodles!

How lame am I? A few months and finally I uploaded a new picture on my photoblog. Of myself. HAHA! Could I BE anymore uninspired? Man, how I'd love to just be flicking through magazines and webpages like a boss again. Being laptop-less isn't putting this at ease either. I am using my brother's laptop while he's out there working or out with the fiancee. I wish my laptop didn't just die on me. First, the battery stops working; then it keeps on crashing on me while I try opening My Documents; then the mouse stopped functioning properly and finally, the adapter just DIED. Like, kaput, just like that.

Permission to update feeling on the above, please: -_- times that with infinity, beyond and MORE!

Am I better off with an iMac now then? But I was planning to get that once we've moved in to our new house and IF I'm getting that I don't think it's even worth it now to even get a Macbook. Or is it?

If I have all the money in the world I would DEFINITELY just close one eye, get a macbook, then get an iMac once we move to our new place but NO I don't have all the money in the world. I don't even have more than $100 in the bank now. Yes, I spent most of my bond money during the first month and a half of arriving back in Brunei. If only those places I applied to know how desperate I am to be employed right now.

No, no. Better not jinx that first because I firmly believe I told myself and everyone else I'm gonna take it easy this time. But of course I can't sit still. It would be so unlike me if I was to be horizontal and lying down doing nothing. Of course people would think I have been doing nothing because I don't earn any sort of income but people, I am doing something! You just don't know because I haven't been keeping you updated!

So point of this post is that with whatever questions are being asked of me on the status of my employment, my answer is this; No. I am not yet working and I am not even thinking about working yet. I don't really have a specific place where I'd like to be working right now. Because this is me and I like to say to the Universe come what may and I shall cherish everything that lands on my lap. Come on, you know me. I don't have a care in the world and seriously these sort of questions may come with some bit of attitude from me if you keep pestering.

Because I have something else I'm venturing into. Thank you very much! But that is for another time.

And everything else is going perfectly right now. Couldn't ask for more =)

On the other hand, what am i to do with all the clothes and shoes?!

Verse 169 of chapter 2.

البقرة

إِنَّما يَأمُرُكُم بِالسّوءِ
وَالفَحشاءِ وَأَن تَقولوا عَلَى
اللَّهِ ما لا تَعلَمونَ

He tries to make you do evil and shameful things and speak against God
without knowledge.

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Sent from my iPod

Verse 168 of chapter 2.

البقرة

يٰأَيُّهَا النّاسُ كُلوا مِمّا فِى
الأَرضِ حَلٰلًا طَيِّبًا وَلا
تَتَّبِعوا خُطُوٰتِ الشَّيطٰنِ ۚ
إِنَّهُ لَكُم عَدُوٌّ مُبينٌ

People, eat of the good and lawful things on earth. Do not follow the
footsteps of Satan; he is clearly your enemy

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Sent from my iPod

Assalamu Alaikum,

Have you read verse 24 of chapter 31. لقمان in the Holy Quran?

نُمَتِّعُهُم قَليلًا ثُمَّ
نَضطَرُّهُم إِلىٰ عَذابٍ غَليظٍ

English-Sarwar translation
______________________________

We shall allow them to enjoy themselves for a short while, then force
them into severe torment.

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Sent from my iPod

Assalamu Alaikum,

Have you read verse 23 of chapter 31. لقمان in the Holy Quran?

وَمَن كَفَرَ فَلا يَحزُنكَ كُفرُهُ ۚ
إِلَينا مَرجِعُهُم فَنُنَبِّئُهُم
بِما عَمِلوا ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ عَليمٌ
بِذاتِ الصُّدورِ

English-Sarwar translation
______________________________

(Muhammad), do not let the disbelievers grieve you. To Us they will
all return and We shall tell them all about what they have done. God
knows best what is in everyone's hearts

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Sent from my iPod

Assalamu Alaikum,

Have you read verse 18 of chapter 31. لقمان in the Holy Quran?

وَلا تُصَعِّر خَدَّكَ لِلنّاسِ وَلا
تَمشِ فِى الأَرضِ مَرَحًا ۖ إِنَّ
اللَّهَ لا يُحِبُّ كُلَّ مُختالٍ
فَخورٍ

English-Sarwar translation
______________________________

Do not scornfully turn your face away from people. Do not walk around
puffed-up with pride; God does not love arrogant and boastful people

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Sent from my iPod

Assalamu Alaikum,

Have you read verse 15 of chapter 31. لقمان in the Holy Quran?

وَإِن جٰهَداكَ عَلىٰ أَن تُشرِكَ بى ما
لَيسَ لَكَ بِهِ عِلمٌ فَلا تُطِعهُما ۖ
وَصاحِبهُما فِى الدُّنيا مَعروفًا ۖ
وَاتَّبِع سَبيلَ مَن أَنابَ إِلَىَّ ۚ
ثُمَّ إِلَىَّ مَرجِعُكُم
فَأُنَبِّئُكُم بِما كُنتُم تَعمَلونَ

English-Sarwar translation
______________________________

If they try to force you to consider things equal to Me, which you
cannot justify, equal to Me, do not obey them. Maintain lawful
relations with them in this world and follow the path of those who
turn in repentance to Me. To Me you will all return and I shall tell
you all that you have done.

Sent using alQuran. http://iphone.almubin.com/alQuran

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All praises to you, o Creator.

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LOL at how ugly my posts are aligned and returned. Belch-fest galore!

And for serious, spell checks.

Kthnxbi!!

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Well hellllooo!!

I know this blogging via email is addictive and i like that I could
just NOT need to log in to blogger when I have the need to say
something. Ridiculously awesome for the likes of me. Then again I am
unemployed so the world is my oyster!! Every little bit of 'work' is
taken to heart because frankly, my dear, it aint fun just being at
home when everyone else is working!!

Quick update on my sanity: double smiley face.

So dont be surprised with the sudden bombardment of posts. Given that
the connection can be a bit of a bitch, posts may dumb down or come is
small doses but hey, better than nothing right?

Toodles!!

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Need to remind myself that sleeping at 4am, waking up at 11am and snacking on peanuts are not healthy choices. And that was only ONCE I did that because all this while I have been sleeping between 11.30 to midnight. Just because I've an assignment that'll help me get income, I have jeopardised the very need to have beauty sleep. Come on, Nisa, you're not 19 anymore. 25 years old now.

For serious, not fun not being able to open my eyes. Yikes! Worst feeling ever to be on the dance floor feeling like a nincompoop!

Pitam, not for play.

But I did FOUR different samples so that's a good start. Alhamdulillah.

Testing blogging via email. My laptop's dead so this is all i have.
Hope this works!!

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It has taken me a while to watch Black Swan and boy, am I satisfied with it albeit with only a small television and a DVD player in my room? (Yes, yes, OK I have fallen out of the film-buff circuit because well, I don't watch that much TV anymore, I don't go on the internet a whole lot except for last night after a loooong time of not being on Tumblr, and I don't keep up to date on the latest thingamajigs anymore. Call me boring, but I've been getting acquainted with my beloved BOOKS! Because I'm a hermit that way. And unemployed. So sue me.)

Aaahh I am still swirling in giddiness over how lovely and lush this film is. Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis. One is sweet, fragile, frail, a perfectionist, frigid and BORING. The other one, care-free, lively, robust, unpretentious and FUN. Tell me, which one would you prefer to be the Swan Queen? But seeing that Nina (Natalie) has the looks and character for the perfect white swan, she was chosen as the Queen. Of course, when you see someone as your competition, you'd start listening to the little devil that lives inside of you and start being subconscious about stupid malarkies like, "She's gonna snatch my role from me!" so this Nina girl started to be paranoid and schizophrenic.

I don't want to give away too much in case somebody hasn't seen it already but please please please do and bask yourself in the awesomeness of the world of ballet and the politics that surround it. Politics. That's the word, especially when they frequently use "Company" whilst referring to the "flock" so to speak. I LOVE IT! Man, can you just feel how excited I am still about it? I can watch it over and over again and still be in love with it. The cinematography isn't the best but the way it makes you feel icky, flustered, angry, satisfied and the lot just makes you want to grab the remote and hit rewind over and over and over again! Although with the new technology you can always look for Scene Selection but by golly, please do watch it. I especially love how this film plays psychological mind tricks on you and ESPECIALLY on the protagonist herself - and towards the end, you're in for a surprise and you'll be like OH MY GOD! and just die for a second until you come back to life again to watch the scene over and over again.

Heeee I can ramble on but there it is, my review on the Black Swan =) it's splendid!

Wow this is the toughest book I've had to read as yet. Talk about feeling strongly about capitalism and making allegories about death, suicide, drugs and all things that help shape the world on hindsight. However, I kind of like that he doesn't write this book in a straight forward manner though. I like that he makes me think about what he's writing although to be frank there really isn't anything that I can imagine other than just keep the words rolling at the tip of my tongue like seamless poetry. Just like when I read Shakespeare. I don't get it but I see storylines folding. Can't quite make out the links between them.

But anyhow, I love it when somebody can talk about capitalism that way. I, as you know, hate capitalism so you'd understand why I'd be hooked up on it. So imagine my relief right now to be back for good in this promise land where everything is surprisingly cheap. Was actually quite startled to find a pair of shoes that cost me only thirty bucks, just 14 bucks to pay for two sets of Happy Meals for me and my sister, AND $2.50 for my new pet betta, ça va. Man, I love this country!

On the other hand, though, what is up with people who like to stare like they have something to say yet when we smile at them they rudely look away and/or roll their eyes at us? I still don't get that. That's the one thing that I hate about being here, it's like, we can't live in peace for even a moment. In Melbourne, when someone stares at you like that and we smile at them, they'd smile back or throw you a "How you going" or a Hi. Although the motif behind that is vague, the feeling you get after that clash is quite great. We should definitely put that to practice.

The things that make you tick.
And then think about what makes them so unbearable that you had to belt out curses, leers, sneers, smirks and bad thoughts.

Think: are they reasonable enough of a judgment that deserve to be deliberately thought of in such a way that makes you angry?

We as human beings tend to be dissatisfied by others' satisfaction; be it jealousy, feeling of unease, discomfort, emptiness or whatever you want to call it. A lot of us pass judgment on others because we desire the things that they have. One way to handle it is to be supportive, but a lot of us choose to do the other - by being mean and then trying to prove things that aren't supposed to be bad into reasons to be bickering about to begin with.

That's one of the many things that I realise upon stepping foot in Brunei. People here, instead of being supportive of each other and sharing the comfort of others' while they bathe in the deserving materials of their own desire, choose to hate.

Come on, what good will come out of this negativity? How are we ever going to live in harmony? So what if somebody else has what we don't, doesn't give us the rights to one-up ourselves and get something that isn't within our grasp. That's waste and waste is one the very thing that shaitan loves. A lot of people love waste. I have learnt that if I don't really need something urgently then I don't really deserve that thing. Sure, having something would be and actually is very very satisfying but waste, what is so satisfying about that? Think about all of the money we could save if we so ever listen to our better voices to not do something. Surely the outcome'll be good no?

I don't get why people would leer at me for mixing up my cheap apparels. I like the way I look and the best thing about being a person is when you're satisfied of yourself by being yourself. Allah loves that. Allah loves it when you're grateful of what you have. He hates it when you get something that isn't within what you can afford. I know I'm preaching but what isn't right about that? Listen to the better voice in your head.

Sure, I used to spend on a lot of things even when I don't really need them and they'd end up being rotten in the pits of all the things that I already have. I guess now I'm paying for it with guilt. What if I'd saved all that money? What are the things that I could afford to get now? I'm sure I'll be able to pay for those shoes, and that handbag, and those pants, and rings and necklaces. It's disgusting how I wasn't really thinking about what might happen when I don't have money to afford things and the worst thing is when I've gone through being broke til I couldn't even afford food, that was the worst way how a person's dignity can be surrendered. All because money was lost from spending on so many things that I don't even deserve in the first place. Why? Because I wanted to look good? Because other people had it?

Ugh.

But alhamdulillah, being friends with people from different backgrounds had surely opened up my eyes and now I can clearly see that brands and three digit dollars do not make you attractive. Now I get things that I can immediately afford and I am a walking proof that getting things I can afford stresses me less and I'm a much happier person. I don't need those expensive thingamajigs to make me feel good about myself. In fact, what it does is make me unhappy because I'd always end up having no money!

That was years ago though, I used to hang around pretentious people who thought I was just like them just because they knew what my background was. Now I avoid those people altogether just so that I'd feel less of a jerk around them not because I'm a prick but because I loath conversations that revolve around temporary material things. What the hell does it matter if what you have between your legs cost you hundreds of dollars? and who gave you the rights to judge me if what I wear are collectively a hundred dollars?

Humans, never satisfied and always having that drive to be more costly than other people. Think of things in the long run people. Yeah ok, some of you might say I'm too backwards and too serious, I need to live more because we're only young once. That's so true. But lets compare ourselves in 10 years and the bills that we had to pay and able to while we're at it.

I have lived in phases where families shatter and come back because of money. Even in my own family, sometimes we had to scrape for food. I was lucky enough to be on scholarship for the past years to be able to afford to pay for things but truthfully, days when I don't have anything to put in my mouth are more than you can even imagine.

So people, if you think that your leers would show me that you hate me coz you don't like what I have on my body, don't worry, they're something you can easily afford. I'm just confident enough to prance around in them because I'm always proud of the things that I can afford with my own blood, sweat and tears =) Please, next time you see me in something you want but don't know where to get - ask. Don't stare at me like I have boils all over my face. Not cool. What if I stare back and make you uncomfortable? What would be your reason if I asked you what your problem is?

So please, please, everyone, when you think about the things that make you tick, think first why that thing makes you tick so much? Why are you so angry? If the reason is unreasonable and invalid, well, why not just put a smile back on your face after you say your istighfar? You'll see how good it feels to be close to the one creator, insyAllah.

If you try hard enough, in the end the fruit of your loom will be worthy enough to be showed of and told stories to others to. Trust me.

Allah sends astray whom He wills and He guides on the Straight Path whom He wills. [Al-Anaam 6:39]

To begin with, I am THAT person who targets at things and would not be satisfied until they have been met with vigour - sometimes whether I like it or not, for as long as I have completed something at my own will and sweat, I'll be more than satisfied.

So this year, I am turning to a new page and I will not let any bullshit from anyone get to me. I wouldn't even want to begin to care about those people who don't matter a slightest bit to myself. Have been putting that to practice since December the last and it feels liberating! You know, that simpler feeling of being just yourself and not to live to satisfy other peoples' needs and wants - which do nothing but stress you out - and not doing things while the other eye looks at people around awaiting for their approval or the other. A lot of people do that, don't they? We have all come to a conclusion that people who do that are those who likes to be loved because they don't love themselves. Too bad. All the money in the world can't bring you happiness so could you just stop showing your dollars and hoping that somebody'd feel what you'd expect them to feel? Berdosa.

Also, I'd like to practice more on the things that I have long abandoned. There are many. So very many. They come in abundance and of course being me I'd end up doing them halfway and leaving them til they've lost their love for me before coming back to them again. Now that I'm fully free I can definitely put whatever I've put on halt to practice. InsyAllah.

Lastly, prayers, dzikir and doa. More. InsyAllah. If Allah wills.

I'm ready to face the world now, I'm ready to put behind things that happened in the past, I will move forward towards positive energy and I will be zen. So if ever I don't deliver, know that I am only human and I am my own worst enemy. So insyAllah, I hope Allah prolongs my life and let me prosper when I do, so I could support my family with dignity and not because, like other people, I'd like to show-off how many bars of gold I've got. That ain't right.

If you see me in rags, know that I'm preparing for something big and better for myself. Amin yarabbal alamin =)

Hi there!
Making changes to this blog and ones I have elsewhere. Why? As said on the above. Yeap, I took the liberty to draw something new as inspired by a recent event that totally made me pull my head back and laugh in realisation that authenticity isn't at its best when trying to poke the bees' nest. Come on now.

I'm back and enjoying the weather. Ah, humidity and hypocrisy. They go together so very well don't they?

Loves,
xoxo.