• Death is inevitable..

Al-Fatihah to those whom have left us to be with God. A dear friend's dad has just passed away a few hours ago and my heart goes to him and his family. My condolences, also goes to my cousin's ex-classmate and my friend's uncle, Jefri Salas.

People, I hope this makes us realise that this life should be lived as if we're going to be dead any minute now.

Got me boxes today and Imma pack ma ass off lyk you kent emajin! Yerrrrrrraaabooiii!!

(^)

-_-

How's that for street cred? No?

• The pressure of settling down at a certain age.

I'm just that person. Plus, my luck is different and I want different things. Only putting this down when I thought of the three people in my family getting married next year. Four, if I include my cute cousin who just bought a hunk of a car! Hmm... I'm just not thinking about it right now because I'm having too much fun being together and not having that marriage commitment like family stuff. We're two single people who are exclusive just to each other. How's that sound?

Yikes! You know come to think of it ALL these four people are younger than me. Well, I'll be damned! Hahahahaha I'm kidding. I love life :) When I do get hitched people will know as soon as possible. I'll send telegrams to the President!

Not in order of importance:

• Giving up on wanting to have a good life
• Giving up on religion or whatever you believe in
  
• Giving up on just about anything!
• Me being able to handle not washing my hands every 5 minutes
• Leaving the hand-vacuum uncharged, that's just crazy, what if you have crummies?
• Not recycling
• Running away hand-in-hand. What if I'm slower than you are? I don't want to be dragged!
• Me not cleaning the dishes for half a day
• Me not making the bed before I go out or start my day
• Not having rolls of napkins handy for kitchen use AND TOILET PAPER!
• Not dusting
• Not keeping everything in place and in an orderly fashion before going to sleep
• Not saying Bismillah 21 times before going to sleep
• Not taking pictures of whatever I think is important to take pictures of, although they might not end up uploaded online
• Saying No to Milo or Green Tea or Tea in general or COFFEE!
• Not watching FRIENDS while eating
• Girls not caring about knowing how to cook
• Girls not liking to do housework
• Girls who don't care about their health
• Girls who don't like massages
• Lazy people
• People who think that art is just a waste of time
• Extremely religious people who still listen to music, watch movies, gossip, but frown on girls who like dressing up
• Preachers who don't practice
• People talking bad about other religions
• People who discourage us from being friends with people from a different religion
• Being enemies with someone for far too long!
• Not being jealous over other people's achievement, beauty, wealth, tolerance, etc
• I don't believe in being rude to people
• Anger issues

Hmm I can't think of anymore. I should have more, right? I thought it'd be easier to talk about cons rather than pros for a change. I was wrong. Oh well.

I think I'm gonna start listing out things that I don't believe in. I'm sure there are more! I couldn't be THIS good of a person to always believe in something? Surely?

What don't YOU believe in?

I have been running out of juice and my sketchbook is filled with pages upon pages of stupid drawings of nothingness.

So today I thought why not get a new one?

I did :)

I am NOT going to let the past six years of my life tear me apart anymore. I lost part of my teenage life and I'm paying back lost time. So what if I'm turning 25 soon? That's alright. All in good time, my love.

I am watching Star Wars V The Empire Strikes Back and now that I'm mature enough to understand what's happening, well the story goes that people ought to be nice to each other and just stop the hurting.

The End.

I watched this film last night. I don't have much to say. And perhaps that's because there weren't much dialogue going on throughout the entire film. It doesn't mean the storyline's no good though because you're bombarded with a lot of emotions to keep you pestered on the screen.

Samson and Delilah is a story about two aboriginal kids living in a poor community who fell in love with each other. Of course with stories such as this there must be a tragic ending but that ending soon changed into a very bright beginning. Samson, as it shows, does not have any parents and is living with a bunch of guys who plays music all day long. Delilah, on the other hand, takes care of her sick grandmother, brings her to the health center, brings her to church, feed her and basically she does everything a good grandchild does. Samson fell in love with Delilah upon seeing her while he was sitting outside of a grocery store and soon became a very creepy stalker who follows her around, throws stones at her and all these while not saying anything to each other. It's pretty complicated to tell how they got together but when Samson started courting Delilah, she didn't respond well to him and only when her grandmother passes away does she give in and they both start going to places together - inseparable.

It's just so tragic when Delilah was kidnapped and raped by "white boys" and it bothers me so much that she doesn't say anything to Samson about what happened to her. Even more tragic is when they were both sniffing petrol while walking in the street, cross the road, Samson walks infront and suddenly BAM! Delilah gets hit by a car. Well, Samson, being the "sniffer" that he is has an impaired hearing so when Delilah was hit he didn't even realise it until he realises that Delilah is not with him when he got home. Days passed and still she's a no-show so that's when I saw emotion from him. He cried and it's just oh so heartbreaking. Imagine this, she's the only one you love, the only one you hold on to because you have nobody else in this world and suddenly she disappears without you knowing. But then she kind of rescued him and took him home.

Well, it's just a really depressing film to watch. Talking about aborigines is something very very sensitive here so when you watch something like this your heart goes out to them and you pray that one day something will happen and their lives would just stopped being oppressed. I don't know but I give it 7 out of 10. It's very very good and if you're a high-brow film buff you'll know how good it is. Oh for these actors to portray the lives of their people is totally admirable. You do not see a lot of these films here although you would imagine they'd be a lot. That says a lot about the history of these people doesn't it? It's heartbreaking.

And I'm gushing smiles from my soul, or so at least I think so LOL!

So I was just reading my friend's blog out of the blue, because he NEVER updates, and suddenly today out of boredom I went on and whaddya know, something to read and trust me, I like what I read :)

I love reading inspiring blogs, blogs that emit positivity and that radical desire to be successful - always talking about facing challenges and NOT wallowing on failure and all that jazz. I LOVE THOSE TYPE! Why? Because I am NOT the type of person who would sit and just listen to you wallow in self pity because you think that what you have achieved in life is not enough. Honey, nothing is ever enough in this world. That is why God gives us brains to think, hands to do stuff with, legs to walk to places, and our senses to feel. God has never ever told us to give on anything and if anything, Islam has always told its believers to not stop believing and surely that is enough to tell us that we're capable of whatever our hearts desire, yes? Yes. We taught to ponder, reflect, change the wrongs, keep the rights and think of many other things that are possible to do in this world. Surely if we always get what we want in terms of materialistic things, then everything else comes as easily? Have you ever thought of it that way?

Another thing that I love is when someone realises that when they want something, they'll work hard to get it. Nothing elates me more than people who are excited to make things happen for themselves. Those who do not succumb to pressure of those who do nothing BUT try to stop them from being successful. Ugh, come to think of it there are so many people in my life who always want to see me crumble and cry and fall down and bleed but heck, my mom taught me not to listen and just prove them wrong. I know a friend do not like to prove anything to anyone and to just do whatever he feels like doing without pleasing anyone but himself, BUT I was raised in a different way. People around me, especially those close enough to comment on how ugly I look with that large zit on my face, sometimes they need to be slapped for always humiliating me in front of everyone but you know I don't need to physically do that. I slap them with proving to them that I am not the loser they think I am. I'm not. You know that too but sometimes you're just too engrossed in envy that you'll be like, "Yeah, Nis. You've put on weight. You're so fat!" Like OMG stop it already! Who are you to tell me that I am nobody and that I should feel bad about myself? I am here now am I not? But where are you? Ahh, karma. Kicks your ass like accidentally biting your own tongue. It hurts.

On the other hand though, what I don't like is those people who are all talk and no action. You know those people who have so many things in their wishlist, they want this and that, want to do this and that but only doing those things to be updated with the change in time. Like when I first got my DSLR I was mocked, "Eh basar jua camera mu atu. Kan jadi reporter ko kah? HA HA HA" but then when it was the HYPE all those people who mocked me ALL had DSLRs and they only wanted those things because everyone else was getting into the photography hype and once the hype died down, where are your cameras, fellas? Chicken shit has a certain amount of time of being hot, so yeah once it cools down you're out there doing something else. Come on, please. Be true to yourself. I hate getting linked to all ye who never finish what you all started. I hate being compared to all you who never seem to give a rest to that bitterness you feel in your heart just because you want something that you can't have. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Like, OH MY GOD PLEASE!

But you know, all those people who got skills, I hear you. I may not be as good as you are but you all know which type of people I'm talking about. I know, so what if they want to have what they want as long as they have the money because that money isn't even ours but you know what I hate the most? Hearing these said to me, "Nisa, sama ah kesukaan kamu ani, siapa yang mulakan dulu?" HAHAHA siapa yang mulakan dulu. You make me cry! I don't give a tiny rats ass who start what first as long as when I do something I do it for my own cause is enough to make me happy. Kan? Isn't that correct? When you're out there doing your own shit happily, there must be somebody else who'd want to ruin it for you. Makes you want to go all Mr T at them and spit at the fools who aren't cool enough to support you OR accept you for who you are.

And please, don't even get me started on those people whom, upon seeing your achievements, still try to tell you to do something that you aren't passionate about. And then they hold a grudge against you for not wanting to do what they want you to do. Mister, it was painful enough to see your daughter depressed when you promised her something so that she'd do what you ask her to but when she did it you suddenly become scared at how awesome she is so you keep her stranded under your scrutiny. I know you're angry at me for not becoming whom you suggested me to become but heck, I was 18 when you told me to be that thing you wanted me to be and I didn't want to be that. Even now. And I'm turning 25 in less than a month and it still bothers me to think that you will be forever angry at me because I don't want to be that person. Yeah, ok it is true that I will earn 2800 for a start but IT IS NOT ABOUT THE MONEY. What I even want to do in the long term in my life would not even involve money. Does that make me a sad person? Yes. But will I be a more compassionate person than you are? Also yes. Please, do not stop me from doing what I want! Or I'll hate you. I don't want to hate you with passion. No.

There's a story behind every person. There's a reason why they're the way they are. They aren't just like that because they want to. Something in the past created them, and sometimes it's impossible to fix them.

OK maybe that's you. Fair enough, I'm going to cut you some slack. But doesn't mean you need to keep being who you are. You definitely can change to be somebody who's a little bit more desirable? Stop being so mean to me. I know what I want in life and if that bothers you so much then I'm sorry.

So kids, moral of the story is that when you set your heart on something, try your best to achieve them. It ain't easy to achieve things immediately, I know that, I have gone through that too but what I've learnt is that if you're a quitter, you will forever be a quitter and be devoid of compassion for those people who are more successful than you. In the end, you'll feel superior amongst those people who you see are less than adequate to you. And that is just TOO sad.

What are we going to do from today on? Set our hearts on something, lead our paths to cross with that thing, work hard for it and be thankful. Stop it already with the dragging other people into your life's misery because it is getting OOOLLLDDD.

I have just watched ANTM Cycle 15 Episode 11 and Tyra Banks debuted her Motion Editorial in this episode.

Need I say more?

That is some damn good production. Tyra is one of those people, whom, when they put their hands on something, will always succeed and win. All my admiration for her. Especially with this video.

One day :)

Great start to the week! Why? Because: tumpi kneading, curry stewing, green tea while making them and bubur kacang ready for dessert and so are durians (although frozen and bought in a container at the Asian grocer). How can that not make your Monday a particularly splendid one?

The weather today is especially warm. It was very very warm at 2am this morning. Ode to fans though coz otherwise I wont be able to sleep. OOOhhh I'm just so happy :) Also, I am anxiously anticipating my thesis result so I'm doing all I can to keep my mind off of it so I wont be so nervous about it! InsyAllah everything's going to be OK. I hope the target that I set on myself at the beginning of this year will come true. If it does I'll be the happiest person alive! But if it doesn't I wont mind much of it because deep down I know that I have tried so damn hard to make things fall right into their places. It's all good :)

So that's my two cents for the day. Just thought I'd write something so then when I come back to this post I'll remember how awesome the start of the week was for me. Toodles!

I had the best breakfast of all time today! Coffee, bread, and lamb :) I know that's as unhealthy as can be what can you do hey? Don't want to let that go to waste now you hear so you eat it while you can LOL! Yeah seriously, second time making lamb and I'm liking it. I am, of course, having bowel problems this morning because my tracts cannot fathom red meat as much as my brain can't fathom stupidity but I don't care. Why? Because Carpe Diem. I'm seizing the day and lookie here, I'm happy during this rainy day!

So anyway while having breakfast I also had the most indulgent viewing of motion picture. Dead Poets Society. That was what I watched earlier today. I'm watching Labyrinth now but we all know what it's all about and there is another make of it so I don't think I need to talk about it. I'll just flood Tumblr with pictures of the Goblin King while I go along haha. Damn, I seem to be flooding my own Tumblr with reblogs now and it's so addictive. See what I like, reblog. Read what resonates closely to myself, reblog. Learned about something, reblog. Reblog reblog reblog! I love how impersonal it is yet it's filled with the same sort of thing, only presented differently. Oh well.

They're not that different from you, are they? Same haircuts. Full of hormones, just like you. Invincible, just like you feel. The world is their oyster. They believe they're destined for great things, just like many of you, their eyes are full of hope, just like you. Did they wait until it was too late to make from their lives even one iota of what they were capable? Because, you see gentlemen, these boys are now fertilizing daffodils. But if you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it? - - Carpe - - hear it? - - Carpe, carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary.

Who doesn't like watching inspiring movies such as this? My friend, I'm telling you, it takes little to inspire us to want to be someone or do something in this world, but this film, well, you learn about your life from it only you're seeing it through the glass of the television set and you're heartbroken when you realise one of the reasons why some things are out of your grasp is because of those people who constantly pull you down just to feed their own egos. Urgh. Disgusting. Story of my life, okay. Takes a lot of guts for me to even be here right now. I have people around me who tell me I should be who I am not but in your face! Nah, I'm not gonna go there anymore. I'm past it already. Well, I am graduating for the third time in December. How many times have you done it? So please stop trying to control me. At least what I do is study. Although at this point of life that's all I'm ever good at but I suppose the universe is preparing me for something tougher. I know, the hardship of reality and the harshness of life but if it isn't for these consequences then I wouldn't learn anything about living. Anyway, enough of that. It's a nightmare for readers to come across it over and over again.

We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, "O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless... of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?" Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play *goes on* and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?

So beautiful. I have come across those people who smirk at me for being or talking so passionately about the things that I love doing. You can call me a nerd for being this way, a geek, a humiliation to all things cool but at least I have something I'm good at. I don't even take that much of a pride for what I do because of the people who thinks I'm smug but I am already made this way. Maybe because I'm always doing things by myself when I was younger. I didn't really have that many friends, not until I found people to share my passion with but anyway, those friends in school are different. In schools really. I hated having to transfer to all those schools once upon a time but alas, here I am today, I think interacting with all those different people along the way helped me realise that life is nothing and if all else fails all you have is your craft. I have embraced that passionately and I'm glad. It has now begun to make me think that I can do anything when I put my heart to it, I just hope that when and if I do that I wont lose who I am.

Oh well, haters are always going to hate. They make you bad. Make you ugly. Make you useless. But stay true to yourself and others will see you for who you are.

What am I on about here? Life. Lost. Passion. Poetry. Romanticism. Reading between the lines. Hmm, life is so damn good!

Hi,

Back again from Big W and had one of those many conversations shared between me and my boyfriend. You see, we think alike and our conversations are always those along the lines of "hope" and wanting to make things better because face it, we're no queen and king of the world but there are a lot of things that we want to do, places we want to be at and things we want to have in this world. Him and me, we're no different to each other. We were raised the same way and we face the same pressure growing up. If I don't say so myself we are facing the same kind of situation in perhaps the same kind of scenarios but the thing about us is that we relate to each other, hurdles and all that.

And we share a lot of conversations together. So tonight on our way back we talked about when he performed umrah and boy, do I long to go there. He said when you're there you realise what the purpose of this life is. You'll realise that what you want is all there, your devotion to Allah, to kneel before Him and you'll finally realise that all this while when you pray and sit there facing the Kaabah, it is there in front of you. You don't need to wonder how it feels like to pray in front of it for real because now you see it clearly in front of your eyes. MasyAllah. I want to witness all that and I want to be there. I have heard before that the black cloth used on the Kaabah is not the kind of black that you've seen before. And he agrees as well, it is not the kind of black that we see everyday. It is a different kind of black. It is beautiful. And the gold thread used on it. How can a small human being even begin to explain its beauty? All praises to Allah. I want to be there. I want to see it for real.

InsyAllah, when I have started working, have enough money, I will go there. It is one of the things that I want to do before I die. And face it, it's one of the things that are wajib for us to do before we die as it is one of the five pillars of Islam. Islam. I was lost from you, I kind of forgot about you and forgot what you want and don't want me to do. Allah has shown me His hidayah now and I'm slowly re-learning about Islam. I was lost before and right now I'm slowly finding my way into the right path. Part of finding the path is to numerously reflect on the things that I've gone through before. I'm sorry when during this reflective process I offend anyone because it is not my intention. What I'm trying to do is to better myself and not anyone else. I don't want anyone to be offended and if anyone has I'm really really sorry. All I'm trying to do is to seek guidance and while doing that of course I think about all the wrong things I did and the things that are done to me. It was pretty stupid what I did back then, always reacting to the things that are said and done to me but right now I'm thinking why. Why did I do all that? My mom taught me better. She always taught me that it is better for somebody else to inflict pain on me and not to give back the pain and I used to not believe in that. I do now because I understand what that kind of hurt felt like.

So to anyone I've hurt their feelings once upon a time, from my words, my sarcasm, the way I react. I'm sorry. All I want to do now is to keep on reflecting on the things that I've done and pray for myself to be forgiven and be released from the pain that those things had given me. I do not want to be tied to the pain I once lived. I have found someone who has lifted me up time and time again and I thank Allah for giving me this person. I think it's great that somebody like him has been given to me because he is exactly who I need. Exactly who I needed.

It's Adha here today and it's going to be Adha there tomorrow in Brunei. I think it's good that I'm thinking about the things that I've done wrong and having the realisation to want to be better. I just need to let it out you know. Writing is all I have left that I'm good at so if what I write in here is less than desirable then so be it. I'm doing this for myself. At least when I die one day, there would be something that could be read by my little ones or my grandchildren. That would be a good thing to have ready for everyone right? Lineage who don't already get the chance to meet me can then learn about me. They'll know that I'm imperfect, that I am just like them. Mere human beings with mistakes and enemies and friends and hobbies and pet peeves that annoy everyone.

Sometimes I have so many things in my head that I have this need to let them out at once. I think this blog is a good outlet for my "voice" so to speak. Well, you gotta do what you gotta do. All those haters are always going to hate but as long as you have love in your heart and in your mind, you'll be alright. I hope I'm not contradicting myself too much but I guess all I want to do is prepare myself for the afterlife and hope that one day I'll be able to go to Mekah. All the things I do along the way, like my hobbies and passion, are just little things that I like doing to fill my time. Afterall, what is this life if not spent doing useful things? Let's not waste it by being angry all the time shall we? Sometimes I don't even know the words I say and things I do anymore. Well, I guess it depends on how people perceive us no? But like I said, it always takes one person to ruin us by their words but why should we let those things define us? Don't let them anger you. Ponder back at why they'd want to do that to you in the first place. Afterall, yang baik datang dari Allah, yang buruk dari no one else but diri sendiri. So perhaps. Just perhaps. I don't need to say more. Of course there are those coincidences that would make you feel like you're being bullied or lied to, I might feel the same, others might feel the same. I hope that with this everyone would realise that everything that causes all those mishaps that happen to us are all misunderstandings. You know there are always three sides to every story: yours, mine and THE TRUTH. We might not always know the truth, although we would feel that we do, but we don't. Afterall, there are other beings around us "who" help make us decide to do, not to do or undo things. One of those people are shaitaan. Well, I admit I do succumb to their whispers, proof is that I don't pray five times a day although I strongly want to. But I am just human and I make mistakes. All it takes is dzikir and istighfar I guess. I just don't want to deliberately be in constant paranoia like I once was. Well, part of doing that is to let a lot of people into my life. Let myself be in constant surveillance by others so that I'd feel less paranoid everyday. My sister always tell me that I am just so thick that sometimes I don't even realise somebody is being mean to me. My boyfriend says the same. Is that because I'm too nice then? Too forgiving? Suffice to say I'm not that trusting anymore and that has made me paranoid but I've learnt to live past that now. I am who I am and I shouldn't be who I'm not. I say sorry all the time and it annoys a lot of people but why can't I just be myself? I think at least by being myself it'd be easier for me to learn about my faith no? So all ye people who tell me things, well.... you know exactly what I'm going to say.

So in this holy day of eid I wish everyone peace, tranquility and cleanliness of the heart. I pray that one day I'll be completely purified from all things murky. Even if that happens when I finally stop breathing, that's OK. At least I'll be satisfied. All I want now is to stop reading too deep into whatever people say to me. We all want peace don't we? Life is too short to be so mean to each other. InsyAllah, one day we will be led to the straight path and who knows, as mean as we are to each other when we were on Earth, it might be that when we die we'll be put together and at least then there is a familiar face. Barakallahufikum for all the things said and done to me in the past, especially the hurtful ones. I now stand taller and stride faster. I have let it go and not once have I repeated anything. Like anyone would say, misunderstanding especially happens when you're constantly murky in the heart. Paranoid. Istighfar is the way. Prayer is the way. I sound like a broken record and I sound overly self-righteous, I don't even do all those things. But I'm trying. This is one of the things that I'm learning to set my ego aside for and just mellow out. InsyAllah.

Happy Eid everyone. Eat lots of lamb :)

Xx

It has been two days since I last watched this movie and I am still hooked on it! OK, I already loved the series. The first movie was OK, made me cry in the cinema and all that. This second one, on the other hand, made me cry, made me scared, made me happy, made me laugh, made me question and made me reaffirm my belief on these beautiful ladies and the glory of being a woman! Well Ok I'm only 24 going on 25, people would say I'm not yet a woman, just a little lady but who cares? It's just a matter of opinion and boo y'all who dare say I still look 19. Well alright I don't look 19 anymore but you know what I mean LOL!

Right. Why do I love SATC2 more than I do the first one? Well first is the fashion and the shoes and the witty conversation that touches upon real life. Smack me for not getting up to date with a lot of newly released films for this year but SATC2 is by far the closest to reality of a movie I can get thus far. Like come on, which other movie this year that I've seen touches upon the reality of married life, children, the past coming back to haunt you and the topic that has always been a big issue - oppressed women in the under-rated religion of Islam? Second, I love it for its setting. Abu Dhabi, people!!! I have always wanted to throng through the terrains of the dessert and experience the luxurious heat with its gems and spices and beautiful colours. Besides India, where else can we feel exotic? Well ok Brazil, fair enough but I'm no fan of it! UAE and India have always been on top of my list so I'm singing an ode to Abu Dhabi and SATC2 and all things sandy and have dates (the fruit) in them! Thirdly and but of course when the setting is in a Muslim country there will always be discussion of halal and haram and the things discussed are always about the women in their veils, the burqa and the niqab. But please do watch this movie and you will LOVE it so much. Why? Because it champions Muslim women!!!

That's about all the detail I'm gonna talk about because you might not have seen it and I hope with this little post you'd want to see it now. For serious, I'm still hooked up on it. Fine fine fine the socialist feminist in me might be factor to this discussion because otherwise why am I so worked up and excited about the positive portrayal of women in a Western film that discusses "the bad religion"? But trust me, you will love watching this. Oh the flowy dress, the full gowns and the accessories *dreamy sigh* Carrie Bradshaw, too. She's one of my favourite women characters and an icon to me too. Hmm what more can I say? I'm in love with it! I hope they sell the first and second film box set online so I can watch them thousands of time again and again.

PLEASEEE if you haven't already. GO. WATCH. SEX. AND. THE. CITY. DEUX!

What did it matter where you lay once you were dead? In a dirty sump or in a marble tower on top of a high hill? You were dead, you were sleeping the big sleep, you were not bothered by things like that. Oil and water were the same as wind and air to you. You just sleep the big sleep, not caring about the nastiness of how you died or where you fell.

Death is inevitable. Would you agree to that? I just finished reading this book minutes ago and I'm still feeling kind of beat up by the twist in the plot. I should have known from the beginning who the real killer was but Raymond Chandler outsmarted me by a thousand splendid suns (pun intended).

And I have always wondered how it would feel like to stop breathing. Stop existing. Will people still wallow the lost of me or move on with their lives as soon as the sun comes down? I guess my dark days having met with death or the passing of somebody was a few years back when the people that I keep dearly to my heart left without saying goodbye. It's sad thinking about it now but I can't blame death on anyone. In fact, if you know anything about life at all, you might be looking forward to being dead. But human beings are selfish, things are always not enough, we always want more than what we're given. More money, more materialistic needs, more affection. It's always not enough. So the incandescence of life is never enough hence there goes the saying, "Life is short. Enjoy it while you can," and with that people enjoy life too much without a care about the things they do and the words they say.

Have you ever cried thinking about death? Does it scare you, the thought of being buried six feet underground? Does the afterlife rattle your bones and make you want to repent? Are you confident that you're ready to answer questions being asked to you at the end of days?

I don't always think of these because if I do then heck, I wouldn't even begin to think about doing the things that I do and commit to. Life is full of sin and whispers from shaitaan. In fact we listen to the bad voices more than we do the good ones because some of us are so scared of judgements. Well, who am I to say because I'm not perfect but the thought of death does really really scare me. I'm not ready for it because I have not done the things that are demanded of me to do in the 5 pillars of Islam. I think maybe if I turn into somebody who can provide answers to prepare for the afterlife then I'll be ready for death but even then I'll be sad and cry for those of whom I will be leaving. Like I said, death is inevitable but who wants to be dead? I often miss those who have passed and I ponder about the times we have together. Sigh. It really is something that's really hard to talk about, let alone think about.

Prepare. Prepare. Prepare.

The Big Sleep has a number of those hidden meanings relating to death and you really need to get into the plot of this book to really understand the kinds of death Chandler is talking about. There is a character who is a General who is no longer in service yet still powerful even in his wheelchair and holding on to dear life. I think I kind of imagined him as the Grim Reaper from the way he was described. Maybe that's one of those related descriptions that links back to the whole narrative of the book. If I can get this right and backed-up I can safely say there are many times when things end up in somebody being dead in the book. It's a really interesting read and it's something that I wouldn't normally pick up from the book stands. I did though and not regretting it even a bit. It's one of those books that make your brain scatter into many pieces when you read it but in the end can't help but feel smug that you're done and actually understood.

Not me though, I don't understand what deficiency one of the daughters has that makes her not remember killing anyone and it makes her faint and wake up so innocent that you'd think she's a kitten who doesn't even remember she just shot somebody five times at close range. But then again books are meant to provoke you like that.

I'm so happy that I'm back to reading narrative book right now. It's what I like doing since I learned talking. Books, music, films, photography and art. These are the things that make me whole. If that makes me a geek then a geek I am and will be forever :)

Right I better stop and go on to the next one now. Toodles!

I woke up in the afternoon, that's about an hour ago, because my body just can't fathom the distance we had to travel back and forth yesterday. We went on a rolling roadtrip to Eaglehawk, Bendigo spent a whole day there. I got sunburnt and right now am as red as a lobster! Kind of destroyed my body yesterday too from the McDonald's I had for breakfast and dinner, but at least the apple pie is nice.

OK no pictures because I took everything analogue so that's gonna take a while to be put up but I think I'm sending the film to Michael's today.

Gosh, after nearly a year of spending time with books that was closely the best thing that happened to me. I needed that kind of break, to go out to the country and just chill under the sun with good company and good laughs. Some of them I've just met too and the way we hit it off makes me real fond of them. Like sitting at the gutter waiting for our friends to do rail tricks and cracking jokes until we topple over with tears. And this might sound silly but the police in Bendigo is just awesome! For serious man, they stopped their car in front of us, asked what's going on and said, "You enjoying sitting at the gutter? You're doing a pretty good job at it!" and gave us thumbs up! Now if you were to do that here in Melbourne they'll be like, "Mate, show me some ID. Now, scram! Get outta here!". I guess that's the difference between country and metropolitan life. Simpler times vs. living in paranoia, simpler times win all the time.

I don't get to go on a lot of roadtrips because face it, Lumut to Bandar is like 40min, going to Temburong nobody is always up to because of the heat and the kusutness so all the roadtrip I ever get when I'm in Borneo is driving up to KK. Even Miri isn't considered a roadtrip because come on, 20min from KB Town that's like driving up to get petrol in Telisai when the ones in Seria and Lumut are out.

Well all I got to say is that trips to places away from the city really does make you appreciate the simple things. Hygiene not included though. But the scenery on the way, the vegetation, especially the vegetation because I have this real uncanny admiration for nature, is just so damn nice! They're pretty, different and open up your eyes to a lot of possibilities that the world can offer. I think being here in Australia is the only chance for me to enjoy these kinds of luxuries. Sometimes even being on the coach going to Mt Buller or Phillip Island can wow you like there's no tomorrow. I know I want to go to places like Sydney, Darwin and Perth but I can do that when I work and have the money to splurge on the more expensive things in life. So far I've only been to Brisbane and Gold Coast to visit my cousins and that was whack! But I hate travelling on airplanes. I know right, year after year of going back and forth home and back makes you think that I might get the hang of it but naah, airplanes and me just don't get along. I don't like how constant it is sometimes, call me weird but I much prefer it when there's turbulence because I sleep better. Although the plus side of travelling on planes alone would be the single-serving friends you make and don't need to keep because everyone is the same. You say Hello and then you say Goodbye. Life goes on.

There's a new skate park opening next week in the country too so I hope I get to be on the ride for that one! I know I'm just so bored and jobless now that I'm down to do anything! So bring it oooonnn!!

I know I've just been rambling, this is how bored I am right now. I'm hungry and I need a shower.