Wow, this month has been a whirlwind of emotions for me.

I was anxious while waiting for my thesis result.
I was thankful, grateful and happy when I finally got my result.
I was happy when my mom was here.
Then I was sad when she had to leave.
Then I was happy again when my friends arrived. It lasted for 2 weeks.
I also felt sick when they were here but not in a tacky way, I was literally sick. All of us were actually. Two weeks of being together definitely gets you riled up and your immune system haywire.
After two weeks I was sad that they had to go.
Then I was glad that I finally was able to rest in bed and sleep the sickness away. The next day I was recovered and went for Boxing Day.
Sad I didn't shop - only for the essentials.
Tired, resentful and all that jazz that I had to pack my apartment.
Worried about excess baggage but so happy to find out that my limit is actually 30kgs!!!!

And now I'm sitting here with the remains of this apartment, ready for tomorrow, for when the cleaners arrive to attack the marks I've imprinted on the walls, the carpet and the tiles. I'm actually kind of pissed that I have to pay $195 for something that I can do myself but I guess it sure does spare me the tiresome scrubbing and wiping and all that I love. I'm sorry, I'm just THAT obsessive compulsive.

Goodness me, this month is the driest month for me - financial wise. Didn't shop much really, just paid for food and transportation. Explains so much about the belly fat I now have resting on my thighs hahahaha! But you know, all these experiences from this month is well worth the time. I had so much fun this month, actually more than I ever did during this year put together. I know that sounds so sad but what am I to say? This has been the most serious of all years I had to endeavor and I'm not complaining - just looking back at all those times slaving over something which initially I hated to the core of the earth is something that's going to help me build a living for myself. Alhamdulillah. It feels so good to finally be able to wind down and just chill. Not the type to rest and not do anything but you know, not doing work related to anything that's to be written on a piece of paper is good for once. Gosh, come to think of it I don't think I'm ever gonna get used to not studying but I have to get myself ready. I'm ageing man! I need to do what ageing people do! How DO you spell ageing? Aging? Ohhh...

But how do I even start to talk about this month without contemplating too much on the things that create lee-ways? I don't think there ever will be any time when I can finally do that properly because this month has been very eventful for me, and especially social-wise. I guess it pays to be a hermit for a year coz now I'm moving on over-drive! Well, not really. But you know.

Then again there's that feeling of hurt that still can't totally be mended just by myself. I can't say I didn't try. I thought it was going to be different this time around and that things are going to be as they were but who am I kidding right?

I hate that I read into things too deeply sometimes but that's the make of me. I am made to read into things to be able to know what the other person is feeling. This case though, the other person isn't feeling anything at all, just to be at present and not be involved. The worst kind of hurt a person can go through.

Hmm, turns out this month is more than eventful for me. I guess the last bit of feelings I'm going through is good to prepare me for the next phase in my life =) bring it!

I believe I've written about this before.

But just to create a segue on this topic, I do believe in the greater good of things be it for the universe in general, in friendship, in trust, in health, in prosperity, in fidelity, in marriage, in a household unit, in education, in the future, in everything really.

It's a heck of a journey for us while we are still living in this world, and I do like to think that death can creep up from behind me anytime so I've been living life as if I'm going to die tomorrow. Yes, that's right. The constant worry and guilt I feel just tells so much about the wrongs I've been committing.

I do believe in being kind.
I do believe in being sincere.
I do believe in lending a helping hand to those in need.
I especially do believe in making better of things that aren't already. With that, I do believe in forgiveness, tranquility and peace of mind.

I believe that nothing good will ever come out of things that are insincere, filled with ulterior motives and bad thoughts. Yeap, you got that right. I am in fact surrounded by these things but I'd like to be the one who turn things around all the time and so help me God if I'm not capable of doing these things, let me be the one to turn my back against whatever bad things that are going to happen to me, or being said and done to me, let me be strong enough to handle the words that are being said to me. Ignorance is always bliss but there are always those who'd want to enter my mind and start telling me stories that side on just them. My mom taught me better :) I listen to both sides and I don't ever side on any one. And if things ever get out of hand, I believe in getting closure. Realistically, closure isn't something so easy to achieve because people lie about their intentions and they often want to escape and deny the real reason why they hate you in the first place but for peace of mind I always turn blind eyes unto that. So be it.

Because I believe that respect will get you to places, without it you're locked up in your room sulking bitterly at every drop of happiness you see on other peoples' faces. Ain't that right?

Something recent that I believe in is good health. I have seen so many people killing themselves slowly with the lack of care they have for their bodies and how they've turned out. Heck, I have been that person and I do believe that I've talked about this in the past too. So now I refuse to go back to that and choose a healthier option to live. I know it's cool to binge and smoke but I'm past that now, I'm 25 years old and my body can break down anytime soon, it's time to fuel up and oil my gear and prepare for something heavier that might open up to me in the future, insyAllah. I don't want to be sick all the time when I have kids, in fact I'd like it if they see me healthy so they'd want to be healthy too. At least that's how it is with me and my parents. They like taking care of themselves and it makes good sense that me and my siblings are doing the same thing. So that is good no? Yes, yes.

There are sooo many things that I believe in like cleanliness, tidiness, the arts and performance because these things can help shape the cognitive into an intellectual deal better than money, but you know, if I talk about that more of yous are gonna think I'm cocky :p Yes, I believe that this world is judgemental and when awkward about others' achievements choose to talk bad about it to turn the plate onto them but that's alright. I respect your decisions to think about other people however you choose to but when you measure up your sleeve against those you've bad-mouthed, how have you lived up to the many syllables you've put the negative sign infront of? Hmm? That is something to think about.

And lastly, I believe in being happy in our own ways. Some people choose to be happy by being miserable, some choose to do it the direct way but through the longest and hardest journey but in the end, being happy is the mission and that's one thing that everyone wants to be.

I'm graduating again tonight and to close this I'd like to say that I believe in hard work. Nuff said.

It is indescribable. The best feeling ever.

I have been away, chasing my ambition and doing the things that I like most =)

Not in a million years did I ever think I was going to be where I am now.

All praises to Allah.

With strong will and a strong approach, I am here now doing my family proud.

Who am I?

At the moment all I know is that I am someone at lost within myself, trying to search for open doors and windows, some outreach, an outstretched hand that is ever so willing to bring me into someplace safe where I don't have to think about what the next 5 years is going to look like for me. Truth be told I'm not. Because I know something out there is waiting for me to come to it. Good or bad, I am going to look for that thing. I know Allah has prepared something for me and I know that not knowing what it is is quite frustrating but I trust in whatever's going to happen will do happen for a reason. Like I said, good or bad, doesn't matter.

What matters is what kind of person I'd turn out to be if that thing happens to and for me. I have been readying myself so help me God if I ever breakdown from all the tests you've given me, give me more so I'd learn my lesson and say, "Yes, alhamdulillah. Now I know myself and what I'm capable of."

It has been exactly the kind of thing I've been going through for the past years of being away but I know at the back of my head that it's been a different kind of obstacle. I have just been preparing myself for what is going to happen but I am not ready for anything yet. I'm pretty scared but you know, knowing myself, I'm prone to being panic at the start but once I get the gist of things I'll be alright. I have been independent for thousands of days, millions of hours and more of the seconds so I can do this, I can face whatever's laid out in front of me.

So in comparison to whom I used to be. Well, I have always been like this. Sure, when I was younger I was quite dependent on my parents, but when I was 18 they whisked me away to a faraway land by myself and since then I had to do things myself. Now it feels strange to have things done for me especially by my parents - like dishes and laundry - but I guess that is what independence has taught me. I am more responsible now. I didn't used to be. I made so many mistakes in the past before, some I'm still shameful of, some I'm still craving for but by heck, I am who I am now for the things that happened to me in the past. I have learnt a lot!

Millions of things made me change. Backstabbers - some coming from my own family, losing friends, making new friends, losing those friends, broken friendships, experiences with emotions and strangers whom I didn't have any problem with who then became my enemy who then became one of the nicest of my friends. Hmm, you know, being away taught me that I haven't really learnt anything in terms of dealing with my family because whenever I'm back home I'll only be back home for a fraction of a time. It's time with friends that helped me shape myself into who I am today. Some of them I'm proud of, some I'm not. Some I'm sick of. But everything, everything that happened to me, the good ones I try to improve while the bad ones I try to change.

I like making myself better. Making better of things is my forte. Being a perfectionist helps too I guess. I have seen people who are all talk but no dos and sorry, but I hate sharing enthusiasm over something that I love when the other party doesn't really mean it. That's the worst thing you can ever do to me and well, there are quite a few. I don't hate this people per se, but being honest to my feelings would make me a little bit fonder of you. I have been slashed in my feelings so many times that I find it so hard to trust people right now. I understand that that's bad but I am just so friggin sick of being trampled in my heart. I don't like my feelings being hurt because I don't even need to try being nice to people. It's annoying how whenever I'm nice to people I get treated like a doormat in return. That is the shittiest thing but you know, you gotta do what you gotta do.

Well, suffice to say I don't care who likes me or who doesn't. I'm friends with everyone and that is the person I have become. You can come to me tell me that you don't like a person but I'm still going to be friends with that person. High school is over so I don't see why I should act like a child. 5 years from now I will be 30 years old, I can't wait to reflect on my life when I reach that age. What I know now is that I don't want when I turn 30 to reflect and find that I have not changed into a better person. What with all the talking behind people's backs (and always ALWAYS talking about the same person). Gahhh that's hopeless don't you think?

So yes. Can I compare myself now to whom I used to be? Damn straight I can. Now I know who take pride in doing bad things just to make themselves feel a bit better about themselves, and those who like doing good things for the greater good of course! In the past, I used to just trust every single person I talk to. Everybody used to be my bestfriend but all the jealousy and all the snide remarks aren't acceptable anymore. I have had enough maaayyynnn!!

I don't care how many friends I have now anymore. 10, 5 or 1, doesn't matter to me. What I'm looking for is that handful of people who I can trust and confide my feelings to. I lost a lot of those kind of people. I'm looking for new ones now. Although I don't need to because I have my very best bestfriend and my immediate family.

And lastly, to compare, my mom used to hate talking about marriage in front of me. Now, it's all she talks about haha!! So the big comparison here is that I have grown up =)

What happened today? If it was the last day of your life, how satisfied would you be with your final hours?

Today was simple. Woke up early and felt that the day was surprisingly yet sweetly long. I loved it. Went to the gardens and sat in front of the fountain and played Scrabble with my mom. It was a sweet little moment. It rained and we played under the rain. It wasn't until it poured real bad that we seek shelter on the steps of the gigantic Exhibition Center and continued playing there. At about 7pm we headed to the city for dinner with my mister :) Dessert was at Secret Recipe where me and my mom took silly pictures together and laughed til tears rolled from the corners of our eyes and our throats sore from all the laughing!

I had a very very lush cake!!!!!!! Well, we all did. It was the best cake I've tasted since a long time.

If this was to be the last day of my life I'd be very satisfied at how I spent it. It was terrific! I don't know how else to describe it but it was so satisfying and I'm grateful to be in the company of the nicest, sweetest and most understanding of people. You know what I like? I like that. People who listen, who understand, who stop to listen and then to understand. I like that. I fancy a little shake of the head whenever someone doesn't approve of how I choose to live my life because all I get from the many people I converse with is them going with how I flow with things. I have learnt that the only people to believe and trust in is those who don't always sit behind their computers, or stay cooped up indoors watching TV. I learnt to trust those who like going outside and bask themselves in the might of this universe! You know what I mean? You learn so many things from books, songs, films and such but you learn more from your experiences as a human being, dealing with human things.

But of course, with that being said, doesn't mean that the mistakes you make in the past would change you. I don't see why I should trust the person who say they care about me, miss me, and love me when I know in the past they've said the darnest things about me. But me being me, I can't handle the thought of being enemies with people for too long a time. There's always that little devil who'd try to manipulate its way into my mind, nagging me with stuff from the past that'd make me hate a person big time. But I guess there is no darn use for that because I am past that. I'm through with that, and if you have a problem with me being nonchalant well there's nothing I can do about that can I? Would be pretty pleased if you look for someone else to share your hate about something or someone with. Not anymore with me because it has gone stale.

I can't wait to be 30. But if I don't live to be 30, I'd be pleased with myself for being who I am today. I have learnt to be happy even when I'm by myself and that's the best feeling in the world. I don't need to be bitter seeing other people enjoying themselves and living their lives to the fullest because I surely can do the same :) I don't need to pretend to be nice to a person and then say things behind their backs. That is old news and that was the drive to be accepted. Not anymore. I am mature enough to handle all that and push them to the back of my mind. I'm alright and I'll pass on to other things if you so happen do try to get me right back into your realm of wanting to say things that are bad just so you'd feel satisfied about yourself. Goodness, to start with I didn't use to be that kind of person until I was whispered to.

Why delve into that? But for serious, so many pretenders out there. So many fakes. So so soo many.

On another note, I'm so happy that today I get to live with a portion of me that I have been missing for such a loooong time. I love my mom so very much!

You know what, why don't you have that piece of cake and slobber on the icing too? You will understand how sweet life is when you do ;)

For today and for always!

I love funny things - depressing things don't do nothing but boil my blood!

Today, let us all raise our glasses to all the funny things that have happened to us, that will happen to us and the funny things we made happen. Hahahaha seriously. LAUGH.

LOCO!!

Am not and never doing it for the attention. They come to me, what can I do?

On the other hand, if I have helped you with something, a little bit of gratitude would make me feel less of a loser who's sitting here begging to be said thanks to.

You get what you want from getting something from me. What's the deal with that?

I don't care if they love you, but seems like you're doing it for the attention.

Strange how this world works. Gladly it teaches me a lot about so many people out there.

Ulterior Motives. Word of the century.

and how comfortable it is to just sit here in the dark, fully dressed and ready to pick up my robe.

It is raining cats and dogs. Can't simply just up and go? Ugh... I'm only happy when it rains in Brunei, I don't have to walk or take public transport to get to places. I don't like getting soaked and simply hate it more coz my mascara isn't waterproof! Well, that's not the complaining point though, what it is is that I woke up early today so the day'd end longer but it's raining and now I can't go out. Of course I can but my umbrella's flimsy and even if I'm to take the tram, I'm still gonna get wet waiting for it.

Should I say sod it and practice a come what may situation today like all the other days then?

I don't have a slight idea what I'm talking about.

But I did have a really good birthday :) I'm still celebrating actually.

I passed my Honours!! I passed my Honours!! Upper Second Class, baby! 2.1! H2A! What else do people call it?

Me and my dad were rooting for First Class Honours (so I can do my PHD straight away) but I guess my path isn't that so Alhamdulillah, thanks be to Allah for granting me this wish to have a degree in my grasp. Now I can do my Masters :)

But first, career. I need it.

All my thanks to my parents, my siblings, my cousins, the rest of my family and my closest friends. If not for you guys I would've already thought a degree was blah and quit a looong time ago. Alhamdulillah, I passed. Syukur.

Ohhhh so many many thanks for this ya Allah... Alhamdulillah :)