Who am I?

At the moment all I know is that I am someone at lost within myself, trying to search for open doors and windows, some outreach, an outstretched hand that is ever so willing to bring me into someplace safe where I don't have to think about what the next 5 years is going to look like for me. Truth be told I'm not. Because I know something out there is waiting for me to come to it. Good or bad, I am going to look for that thing. I know Allah has prepared something for me and I know that not knowing what it is is quite frustrating but I trust in whatever's going to happen will do happen for a reason. Like I said, good or bad, doesn't matter.

What matters is what kind of person I'd turn out to be if that thing happens to and for me. I have been readying myself so help me God if I ever breakdown from all the tests you've given me, give me more so I'd learn my lesson and say, "Yes, alhamdulillah. Now I know myself and what I'm capable of."

It has been exactly the kind of thing I've been going through for the past years of being away but I know at the back of my head that it's been a different kind of obstacle. I have just been preparing myself for what is going to happen but I am not ready for anything yet. I'm pretty scared but you know, knowing myself, I'm prone to being panic at the start but once I get the gist of things I'll be alright. I have been independent for thousands of days, millions of hours and more of the seconds so I can do this, I can face whatever's laid out in front of me.

So in comparison to whom I used to be. Well, I have always been like this. Sure, when I was younger I was quite dependent on my parents, but when I was 18 they whisked me away to a faraway land by myself and since then I had to do things myself. Now it feels strange to have things done for me especially by my parents - like dishes and laundry - but I guess that is what independence has taught me. I am more responsible now. I didn't used to be. I made so many mistakes in the past before, some I'm still shameful of, some I'm still craving for but by heck, I am who I am now for the things that happened to me in the past. I have learnt a lot!

Millions of things made me change. Backstabbers - some coming from my own family, losing friends, making new friends, losing those friends, broken friendships, experiences with emotions and strangers whom I didn't have any problem with who then became my enemy who then became one of the nicest of my friends. Hmm, you know, being away taught me that I haven't really learnt anything in terms of dealing with my family because whenever I'm back home I'll only be back home for a fraction of a time. It's time with friends that helped me shape myself into who I am today. Some of them I'm proud of, some I'm not. Some I'm sick of. But everything, everything that happened to me, the good ones I try to improve while the bad ones I try to change.

I like making myself better. Making better of things is my forte. Being a perfectionist helps too I guess. I have seen people who are all talk but no dos and sorry, but I hate sharing enthusiasm over something that I love when the other party doesn't really mean it. That's the worst thing you can ever do to me and well, there are quite a few. I don't hate this people per se, but being honest to my feelings would make me a little bit fonder of you. I have been slashed in my feelings so many times that I find it so hard to trust people right now. I understand that that's bad but I am just so friggin sick of being trampled in my heart. I don't like my feelings being hurt because I don't even need to try being nice to people. It's annoying how whenever I'm nice to people I get treated like a doormat in return. That is the shittiest thing but you know, you gotta do what you gotta do.

Well, suffice to say I don't care who likes me or who doesn't. I'm friends with everyone and that is the person I have become. You can come to me tell me that you don't like a person but I'm still going to be friends with that person. High school is over so I don't see why I should act like a child. 5 years from now I will be 30 years old, I can't wait to reflect on my life when I reach that age. What I know now is that I don't want when I turn 30 to reflect and find that I have not changed into a better person. What with all the talking behind people's backs (and always ALWAYS talking about the same person). Gahhh that's hopeless don't you think?

So yes. Can I compare myself now to whom I used to be? Damn straight I can. Now I know who take pride in doing bad things just to make themselves feel a bit better about themselves, and those who like doing good things for the greater good of course! In the past, I used to just trust every single person I talk to. Everybody used to be my bestfriend but all the jealousy and all the snide remarks aren't acceptable anymore. I have had enough maaayyynnn!!

I don't care how many friends I have now anymore. 10, 5 or 1, doesn't matter to me. What I'm looking for is that handful of people who I can trust and confide my feelings to. I lost a lot of those kind of people. I'm looking for new ones now. Although I don't need to because I have my very best bestfriend and my immediate family.

And lastly, to compare, my mom used to hate talking about marriage in front of me. Now, it's all she talks about haha!! So the big comparison here is that I have grown up =)