Coffee, albeit crappy, still can give you that superficial superiority
towards your fatigue.

Is that how we should approach life then?

Anyway, how have you been? How was your holiday yesterday? Mine was
splendid as I spent it with the loved ones over good food, Jackass 3D
and a weird lame ass horror flick called Setan Facebook LOL!

I prepared lamb shoulder with a recipe that I adapted from Jamie
Oliver and also cooked butter lamb for my cousin who celebrated her
birthday the day before. It was good. I mean, the lamb shoulder was
freaking exquisite! Four hours in the oven cooking on medium heat,
with just salt, pepper, olive oil, mint and rosemary but tastes oh
soooo delish! How can you not fall in love? I used lamb shoulder
cutlets but if I had used whole lamb shoulder, it would have been a
feast for the face! Would've been nice.

OK real reason I am here is because I have been keeping something very
very quiet since god knows when. I have never shared this with anyone
else except with my boyfriend and people I'm very very majorly close
with.

Scenario:
I grew up with this person yeah, shared ups and downs, tears and blood
and sweat and gore. We exchanged life stories, swapped our lives one
point or another. We were inseparable, like siblings.

But of course as time passes and hearts yonder, we grew apart. Our
interests aren't the same anymore, our opinions clash and I find that
being myself is better than anything else in this world. I mean, why
should I even pretend to be someone I'm not when I'm much more
comfortable and confident being in my own skin? I dress up how I'm
most comfortable in, wear shoes that I love and can walk in, wear
pants that lets me forget about how big my bum is and I stick to what
I believe in, especially when somebody asks for my opinion. Well
sometimes they dont even have to ask for my opinion. Most people who
are used to me know what my opinions are because I have never ever let
out something unless I feel strongly about it. So I feel strongly
about so many things but so what? That should not deter you from
having your own opposing opinion. That's how I respect people, they
must have an argument with me first in order for me to raise an
opinion about them. If you just sit there talking smack about every
single being within your sight, well you ought to know by now exactly
what I think about you. So you know, if I don't really talk to you,
you know why. Because it is always better to keep quiet when you're
angry about something, it's only right. Go figure.

So yes, this thing that I have been keeping quiet about kay. I don't
get why you need to do that to every single person who has hopes for
you. I had hopes for you. I hoped for so many things. But you have not
been even close to being helpful. How can you neglect us with your
defense that's as close as hot turd? I will not take that defense of
yours as something acceptable because it just ain't! So you're saying
the reason why you're always not giving us face is because whenever
you're occupied you have to be selfish? Maybe it is acceptable but you
are always occupied. Please put that insanity aside and be as sane as
possible, if you can! I cannot cope with this stupidity of yours. We
all grew up together, and you're pushing us aside just because your
occupied state would need you to be neglectful? What kind of a reason
is that for defense purpose? Oh my god! When I found out I was
screaming "SELFISH SELFISH SELFISH!!!" in my head and you cannot even
imagine how much I want to shake you right now and make you realise
how stupid your actions are.

Why are you being like this? Have you not learn anything from the
people around you? Have you not realise that being selfish does not
bring you anywhere but towards breakdown? You have seen it yourself on
you and you are experiencing it right now. But why are you selling
your story and making it as if you're the one being victimised? Please
have some heart! Please just realise that what you're doing right now
will only sink you to the bottom of the food chain and you will always
be victimised from now on, starting from your sad retarded story of
YOU being the victim. NO. The answer, and I interject, NO. Because you
always try to play the I am Cute Therefore You Have To Worship Me Thus
What I Say You Must Believe card. You are pathetic! Pleassseeee how do
I even start to make you realise the mistake that you are doing right
now?

I have included you in all of the phases in my life. I welcome you
into my home. I feed you the food of my loom. I share you my remedies
for the pain that you feel. We ALL have done that for you, show that
we care, show that we love you but how do you repay us? With NOTHING!
Please, do you not realise that what you're doing right now is insane
beyond believe? Look at those people whom you refer to as your best
friends, they are stabbing your back again and again with a blunt
knife that they took from your house!!! Will this insanity ever stop?

You know what, I will always welcome you back and help you when you so
need but I don't think how I feel towards you will ever be the same
again. Of course we grew up together and we've cried a thousand tears
and we wished to millions of stars. But now I just can't accept you
for who you are because what you are are full of pretentiousness. You
put on a mask in front of people and while slowly seeping these people
into giving you the attention you crave, you manipulate them, put
strings on their limbs to move them like puppets, treat them wrong and
then break their hearts. They wallow in self loathe while you move on
to your next victim.

You, please, wake the damn hell up! This life is only temporary. You
mustn't be careless about it. You do not need to feel like you're
being left out if you don't have all those things that others have.
You do not need to overdraw your credit card in order to satisfy your
lust for things you can't even afford. Why do you need to do that? Do
you know of the things I have heard being spoken of you by many? In
their eyes you are vulnerable but in their opinions you are just
wasting your life away.

I hope in time you will read this post and realise that it has not
been possible for me to approach you and reach out and that I have
given up. I hope that you will read this and realise that you have
been making a grave mistake. You have more for you in this life, why
are you wasting it? While we sit here and shake our heads towards you,
you laugh at us saying that we're leaving out on so many things.
Buddy, you need to realise that the person looking back at you from
the mirror is not smiling in the heart anymore. So please. Realise it
on your own. We all know that you're not happy. We all know that you
crave for attention. We have given you our attention and tried helping
you but you decided to ignore and follow the waters that flow towards
a dark alley that has nothing inside.

We will wait for you in our state of mediocrity. You might look at us
as if we're poor souls, without money and material possessions but
please realise that when we all have aged, that it is not material
possessions and money that keeps the soul alive.

Coz I ran for LOVE.
RAN FOR LOVE!!!!

Oh God save me.

I love how pretentious the setting of this place is. Box upon box of beings facing the tube, staring at the quiet satisfaction of moolahs getting into their pocket every quarter. And they don't even have to do a thing. Is this the kind of jargon I'm being seeped into now? Can I ever be satisfied with what I have, ever?

Why did I have all principles when I'm just gonna break them?

Because, ladies and gents, I ain't. My journey has just begun.

Yesterday I was told to slow down because I finished doing six
spreadsheets in an hour.

I am having BRIDEX withdrawals. I used to be very very busy, database
to update every other minute, floor plan to change every other hour,
meetings from morning til afternoon, clients to see everyday, sales to
make every split second and the overwhelming stress to endure. It was
fulfilling and uplifting.

I miss that. I want that.

I am a nomad here. Moving from PC to PC with every absence, occupying
the emptiness of desks of those who met with MCs or vacations. My job
is short of the thrill I am used to. But I chose this. I wanted this
because the offer is tonnes and tonnes better even for a menial
position.

That satisfaction I crave that comes with stress will soon suffice.
Til then, I'll take advantage of this flexi hour to complete chores
and hopes I long have left to do something else.

I love that You are challenging me with this hardship now. I know that
one day I'll look back at these times and be thankful that despite all
the questions and remarks people have thrown at me, I never gave up
hope that better things are bound to appear.

If one day better things HAVE appeared, then I'll be happy that my
aspirations did happen and that I am indeed not the type of person who
just sits there doing nothing. All of those who has called me unstable
for taking so many risks with my life thus far, thank you. For
everything I am not has made me everything I am today.

Alhamdulillah for the rizq you've given to me, ya Allah. I know I am a
person of so many imperfections and fault, I deserve everything, and I
am thankful.

=)

And I am bound to meet some more as time passes by; when I get old I'd like to tell my grandkids that I am not going to teach them how to deal with peoples' personalities but let them experience these people all to their own because if not, how will they ever learn?