Hi,

Back again from Big W and had one of those many conversations shared between me and my boyfriend. You see, we think alike and our conversations are always those along the lines of "hope" and wanting to make things better because face it, we're no queen and king of the world but there are a lot of things that we want to do, places we want to be at and things we want to have in this world. Him and me, we're no different to each other. We were raised the same way and we face the same pressure growing up. If I don't say so myself we are facing the same kind of situation in perhaps the same kind of scenarios but the thing about us is that we relate to each other, hurdles and all that.

And we share a lot of conversations together. So tonight on our way back we talked about when he performed umrah and boy, do I long to go there. He said when you're there you realise what the purpose of this life is. You'll realise that what you want is all there, your devotion to Allah, to kneel before Him and you'll finally realise that all this while when you pray and sit there facing the Kaabah, it is there in front of you. You don't need to wonder how it feels like to pray in front of it for real because now you see it clearly in front of your eyes. MasyAllah. I want to witness all that and I want to be there. I have heard before that the black cloth used on the Kaabah is not the kind of black that you've seen before. And he agrees as well, it is not the kind of black that we see everyday. It is a different kind of black. It is beautiful. And the gold thread used on it. How can a small human being even begin to explain its beauty? All praises to Allah. I want to be there. I want to see it for real.

InsyAllah, when I have started working, have enough money, I will go there. It is one of the things that I want to do before I die. And face it, it's one of the things that are wajib for us to do before we die as it is one of the five pillars of Islam. Islam. I was lost from you, I kind of forgot about you and forgot what you want and don't want me to do. Allah has shown me His hidayah now and I'm slowly re-learning about Islam. I was lost before and right now I'm slowly finding my way into the right path. Part of finding the path is to numerously reflect on the things that I've gone through before. I'm sorry when during this reflective process I offend anyone because it is not my intention. What I'm trying to do is to better myself and not anyone else. I don't want anyone to be offended and if anyone has I'm really really sorry. All I'm trying to do is to seek guidance and while doing that of course I think about all the wrong things I did and the things that are done to me. It was pretty stupid what I did back then, always reacting to the things that are said and done to me but right now I'm thinking why. Why did I do all that? My mom taught me better. She always taught me that it is better for somebody else to inflict pain on me and not to give back the pain and I used to not believe in that. I do now because I understand what that kind of hurt felt like.

So to anyone I've hurt their feelings once upon a time, from my words, my sarcasm, the way I react. I'm sorry. All I want to do now is to keep on reflecting on the things that I've done and pray for myself to be forgiven and be released from the pain that those things had given me. I do not want to be tied to the pain I once lived. I have found someone who has lifted me up time and time again and I thank Allah for giving me this person. I think it's great that somebody like him has been given to me because he is exactly who I need. Exactly who I needed.

It's Adha here today and it's going to be Adha there tomorrow in Brunei. I think it's good that I'm thinking about the things that I've done wrong and having the realisation to want to be better. I just need to let it out you know. Writing is all I have left that I'm good at so if what I write in here is less than desirable then so be it. I'm doing this for myself. At least when I die one day, there would be something that could be read by my little ones or my grandchildren. That would be a good thing to have ready for everyone right? Lineage who don't already get the chance to meet me can then learn about me. They'll know that I'm imperfect, that I am just like them. Mere human beings with mistakes and enemies and friends and hobbies and pet peeves that annoy everyone.

Sometimes I have so many things in my head that I have this need to let them out at once. I think this blog is a good outlet for my "voice" so to speak. Well, you gotta do what you gotta do. All those haters are always going to hate but as long as you have love in your heart and in your mind, you'll be alright. I hope I'm not contradicting myself too much but I guess all I want to do is prepare myself for the afterlife and hope that one day I'll be able to go to Mekah. All the things I do along the way, like my hobbies and passion, are just little things that I like doing to fill my time. Afterall, what is this life if not spent doing useful things? Let's not waste it by being angry all the time shall we? Sometimes I don't even know the words I say and things I do anymore. Well, I guess it depends on how people perceive us no? But like I said, it always takes one person to ruin us by their words but why should we let those things define us? Don't let them anger you. Ponder back at why they'd want to do that to you in the first place. Afterall, yang baik datang dari Allah, yang buruk dari no one else but diri sendiri. So perhaps. Just perhaps. I don't need to say more. Of course there are those coincidences that would make you feel like you're being bullied or lied to, I might feel the same, others might feel the same. I hope that with this everyone would realise that everything that causes all those mishaps that happen to us are all misunderstandings. You know there are always three sides to every story: yours, mine and THE TRUTH. We might not always know the truth, although we would feel that we do, but we don't. Afterall, there are other beings around us "who" help make us decide to do, not to do or undo things. One of those people are shaitaan. Well, I admit I do succumb to their whispers, proof is that I don't pray five times a day although I strongly want to. But I am just human and I make mistakes. All it takes is dzikir and istighfar I guess. I just don't want to deliberately be in constant paranoia like I once was. Well, part of doing that is to let a lot of people into my life. Let myself be in constant surveillance by others so that I'd feel less paranoid everyday. My sister always tell me that I am just so thick that sometimes I don't even realise somebody is being mean to me. My boyfriend says the same. Is that because I'm too nice then? Too forgiving? Suffice to say I'm not that trusting anymore and that has made me paranoid but I've learnt to live past that now. I am who I am and I shouldn't be who I'm not. I say sorry all the time and it annoys a lot of people but why can't I just be myself? I think at least by being myself it'd be easier for me to learn about my faith no? So all ye people who tell me things, well.... you know exactly what I'm going to say.

So in this holy day of eid I wish everyone peace, tranquility and cleanliness of the heart. I pray that one day I'll be completely purified from all things murky. Even if that happens when I finally stop breathing, that's OK. At least I'll be satisfied. All I want now is to stop reading too deep into whatever people say to me. We all want peace don't we? Life is too short to be so mean to each other. InsyAllah, one day we will be led to the straight path and who knows, as mean as we are to each other when we were on Earth, it might be that when we die we'll be put together and at least then there is a familiar face. Barakallahufikum for all the things said and done to me in the past, especially the hurtful ones. I now stand taller and stride faster. I have let it go and not once have I repeated anything. Like anyone would say, misunderstanding especially happens when you're constantly murky in the heart. Paranoid. Istighfar is the way. Prayer is the way. I sound like a broken record and I sound overly self-righteous, I don't even do all those things. But I'm trying. This is one of the things that I'm learning to set my ego aside for and just mellow out. InsyAllah.

Happy Eid everyone. Eat lots of lamb :)

Xx